You Don’t Want a 50/50 Relationship? - Bravester

50% of you plus 50% of your partner does not equal a whole relationship.

There are two kinds of 50/50 relationships that I see:  one about incompleteness and another about keeping score.

Both fail for the same reason–love can’t be measured in halves.

Yet some of you believe you are incomplete on your own, searching for a partner to make you whole. You hope someone will compensate for your weaknesses, and you imagine that by merging your lives, the two of you will become strong together. You believe that happiness is something you can only achieve as a pair, filling in the gaps that each of you lacks individually.

This strategy feels right to people. They find someone who embodies all that they are not, and they feel complete when they are together. It is part magic. And it also makes sense…for a time. We always feel more alive when we get near what we don’t possess but need. It brings parts of us to life that have little chance of emerging on their own. This is a good reason to be a part of a church and to intentionally have a team. This is not a good reason for marriage.

Something happens when this formula is applied to marriage. When two incomplete people marry in hopes that merging their strengths will make up for each other’s weaknesses, the result is not the happiness they hope for. In fact, what happens is that each partner slowly comes to want the other things that that person does not possess. Over time, desire turns into resentment, and the relationship becomes less about shared growth and more about unmet expectations. Happiness remains elusive because it was built on the mistaken belief that someone else could make you complete.

Then there is the soul mate myth.

Resentment is poison to a marriage. Your lack of personal growth is also destructive.

There is another 50/50 relationship to avoid.

Both of you have agreed to be 50/50 partners, and at first, it feels like you’ve found a perfect match. You’ve found someone willing to show up, participate, and carry responsibility alongside you. There’s a sense of fairness and balance—you can trust that each person will do their part. Maybe you’ve even gone a step further and clearly outlined which 50% belongs to you and which belongs to your partner, dividing responsibilities and expectations in a way that seems orderly and sensible. At first, this feels reassuring: you’re aligned, organized, and ready to build a life together where both contribute equally.

But you have just doomed your relationship.

Here’s the catch: a relationship based on keeping score is doomed. When both partners start tracking who does what, checking the list, and measuring contributions, the relationship shifts from connection to accounting. Fights often start with complaints like, “I’ve done my 50% and even part of yours—when are you going to do your share?” Contributions are measured, expectations are tracked, and every perceived shortcoming becomes ammunition. What was meant to be a partnership becomes a ledger of fairness and imbalance. Love starts to feel transactional, unfair, and conditional. When love feels unfair, we unravel. Trust issues skyrocket.

Love becomes bruised, belittled, and protected by walls we build around it.

Love is really 100/100. It is self-sacrificial. It is “I’m all in so you can be the best person. If you can be the best person than I can be the best person.” It is secure attachment.

The miracle of marriage is two whole people becoming whole.

I’ve seen this truth lived out in my marriage. I married a giver who wants the best for me. Because he gives to me, I want the best for him. John makes me better. Now I want to make him better. I think John started this but who’s record-keeping.

Yes, there is self-sacrifice in this. There are times that John’s creative projects get put ahead of mine. There are times he “never” does the house chores. I could pout about this, keep a record about this. Or I can rest in this love that knows that John is for me. Just because his project comes first doesn’t mean mine is bad or not worth the work. Plus so many times he has moved my project before his.

This track record grows my trust so I can be more self-sacrificial.

A consistent track record builds trust. Marriage is, at its core, a trust relationship.

A marriage grounded in self-sacrifice doesn’t just survive challenges, it thrives in them. Because both partners are committed not to what they can get, but to what they can give.

What makes our marriage strong isn’t keeping score or always being fair—it’s the daily choice to give, to trust, and to put each other first. When love is generous and focused on the other, trust deepens, joy grows, and the relationship flourishes in ways that balance alone could never create.

This is my wish for your love for a lifetime.