When You Don’t Recognize Your Life Anymore — Carol McLeod Ministries

I was the most lost I’d ever been when I went through my divorce.

I didn’t know who I was anymore. What I thought, what I believed, and what I felt. I didn’t know where I fit in. I wasn’t married, I wasn’t single, somewhere in between, trapped in a reality I detested, in a mind filled with torment. I remember it taking me over a year to utter the words ‘single mom.’ I said them as though I had tasted something bitter. I struggled with this identity very much. I hated what it represented, its associated statistics, and the idea that I had failed, that everything I did was still not enough, and that I couldn’t save him or make him choose us. I didn’t believe in divorce; living with this stain was like a scarlet letter on my forehead. This new reality, which I never imagined, was mine. I loved being a wife, yet here I was, wrestling and feeling completely lost and uncertain of my very identity.

As I attempted to recover, I often heard people say things like, ‘you need to find yourself’ and ‘discover who you are,’ so I began to do just that. I was trying to figure out who I was and what I thought, liked, and disliked. What I needed and what boundaries I lacked. The meaning of my existence goes beyond just survival. The moment I thought I ‘found myself,’ I discovered something else, which only led to more searching. I began to observe those giving me this counsel. I realized these individuals were always finding themselves, but they never actually found themselves. Their search seemed to span decades, and their ideas, thoughts, and beliefs would constantly change. I decided I did not want to be like them.

I didn’t want to be on a never-ending search to ‘find myself.’ I decided that instead of ‘finding her,’ I would ‘create her’. This is exactly what I did.

I took some time to think about the people I admired, who I respected, and who I could imitate. I could not find this specific type of person who embodied the qualities I admired, so I created her. Sure, some things were natural to me and a part of who I already was, but I changed the things that weren’t. There were things I had become, from years of trauma that I didn’t like about myself. This looked like deciding the behaviors, character, and personality traits I wanted to embody.

This ‘creating her’ really began as I hired employees for my thriving business. I thought about how I would run my company and the type of boss I wanted to be. For me, it looked like someone who was kind, generous, and caring. Making the workplace enjoyable, creating environments that would allow my employees to thrive, and teaching them how to handle crazy situations with stability, peace, and calm. I became the boss I had always wanted to work for.

This decision led me to examine how I navigated my personal life, how I moved in the world, and how I projected myself as a woman. I wanted to be equally soft and strong and live with integrity, wisdom, and a calm demeanor. I wanted to have healthy boundaries and also live generously. I decided that I wanted my reputation to be one of reliability and the kind of person to whom my word was my bond. If I said I would do it, I would do it and give my best, hopefully better than expected. To be someone who was respected and dependable. I didn't want to limit myself in any way—which I could be, what I could accomplish and what I was called to do.

I chose to continuously grow, and become teachable, be willing to accept correction and healthy critique. I wanted to control my feelings, thoughts, and how I responded to them. I created the woman I wanted to be and began implementing the character traits I found valuable. I adjusted the way I behaved and spoke, embracing femininity, conviction, positivity, and ease. As I drew closer to the Lord, I changed even more, as humility and simplicity led my life in complete abandonment of Jesus and His ways. As my walk with God deepened, it really became about embodying Christ, his personality and character. My mission and desire were that people would see Jesus reflected in me, not just in what I said but in how I lived my life. This is still my desire and prayer, and it will always be. Choosing to live and move this way is not fake; it’s being more of who God called you to be and someone you feel proud of becoming.

Choosing who you become by how you live and behave reflects on self-awareness, emotional maturity, responsibility, and wisdom. Your self-worth cannot be found in external things.

It must be internal first, so external circumstances and situations don't dictate how we feel and behave. When we rebuild ourselves this way, we become healthier and increase our chances for better outcomes. This strongly aids in our mental and emotional recovery, so many of us easily get stuck because we don’t like who we have become. We don’t like how we look or how easily we give in to our negative coping mechanisms and paths. This is why taking the time to reflect and pre-decide is very important. This behavior will trickle down into the way we live our daily lives. As you build who you are, you become pickier about who you allow into your world because you do not want those influences to bring you back to where you escaped from. This is progress. Progress builds hope to keep going. We must not put so much emphasis on the external and things that can disappear or depreciate with time. The internal dictates everything external. 

In this episode of Significant Women, Carol McLeod interviews Elena Huggins about her journey from Ukraine to the United States and the trials that reshaped her faith. Elena shares how a deeper understanding of Jesus at eighteen transformed her life, even as she later faced addiction in her marriage and mental health struggles, and explains why inviting God into pain is essential for healing and why spiritual growth must engage the mind, body, and spirit. Drawing from her book Untwist Me, Elena offers practical and biblical wisdom for women seeking freedom, resilience, and lasting hope.