How to Help a Friend Who is Struggling — Vaneetha Risner

People often ask me how to walk with friends who are suffering.

We all want to help friends who are going through something devastating like a serious illness, the loss of a spouse or a child, or an unexpected separation or divorce. But when the needs are layered and overwhelming, we don’t know what we can do to help.

Over the years I’ve written a lot about this. In fact, I even wrote a small booklet for subscribers on walking with people in suffering, and I still refer to it myself when I’m trying to think through how to help someone.

Recently my sister Shalini told me about a practical way she supported a couple in their church who were navigating a serious illness. I immediately asked if I could share it. The idea actually grew out of something I briefly mentioned in my upcoming book This Was Never the Plan, but she developed it much further than I’d imagined. (Shalini was also on the podcast last week if you want to hear more from her.)

What she created is simple, practical, and biblical. And I think it will be helpful for many people, including me, as we walk with friends through difficult seasons.

Carrying Burdens and Carrying Loads

Galatians 6:2 tells us, “Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.” The word Paul uses for burdens refers to something heavy, a weight that can overwhelm a person’s strength. It is difficult to carry burdens alone.

A few verses later Paul writes, “Each will have to bear his own load.” (Galatians 6:5)

Here he uses a different word, one that refers to something a person must carry, something friends cannot carry for them. Friends cannot remove someone’s grief or suffering. They cannot live another person’s life. Parents still must care for their children, make decisions, and keep showing up day after day. Those are loads we ultimately carry with Christ. The word for load is the same word Jesus uses in Matthew 11:30 when he says, “My yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

We carry our loads with the Lord, but the body of Christ helps us carry our burdens.

When People Hesitate to Ask for Help

My sister’s friends were hesitant at first when she suggested organizing help. They didn’t want to feel needy, and they didn’t want anyone to feel pressured into helping.

If you have ever been the one suffering, you probably recognize that tension. Asking for help can feel uncomfortable and vulnerable.

But Scripture presents a different picture. Those who are suffering are not “the needy ones” while everyone else becomes the helpers. They are members of the body who are bravely allowing others to serve them. The rest of us are fellow members praying, listening, and helping as we are able. Sharing burdens is not weakness. It’s how the body of Christ is meant to function.

What my sister created was simply a practical way for a group of believers to live out that command together.

A Simple Way to Share Burdens

Shalini asked the couple to share the names of friends they trusted and believed would want to be part of a group to help them. She reached out to each person to see if they wanted to be included and then created a group text where the couple could share prayer requests and practical needs as they arose. She called this a Pray As You Go group.

The group included people with different schedules and capacities, both men and women, single and married. Some might be able to bring a meal, others offer childcare, give a ride, or help with something practical at home. No one individual was expected to meet every need – in fact, she urged people only to offer if they felt called and able. The strength of the group was that different people could step in at different times, but everyone was committed to praying.

The group was not meant to become a conversation thread, but simply a place to share prayer requests and practical needs. Because the group included people who didn’t know each other, everyone shared their name at the start so numbers could be matched to individuals.

When a request was shared, the group followed a simple pattern. If someone could help with a practical need, they replied briefly: “I can.” If they could not help, they did not respond on the thread at all. Instead, they prayed.

People also agreed not to respond with hearts or prayer emojis or to offer comments. This kept the thread from feeling overwhelming or performative and made it easier to see whether anyone could help with a specific need. Group members were encouraged to send personal messages directly to the couple if they wanted to respond.

Pray First, Then Go

The heart of the group was simple: pray first, then go.

The first commitment of everyone in the group was prayer, not action. People joined to bring this family before the Lord and to respond if they had capacity. The couple didn’t want anyone to take the burden on entirely, or to feel guilty for not helping.

The need itself was not the call. God was.

That distinction protected everyone involved. If someone was already carrying a heavy load of their own, they were encouraged not to join the group in the first place. And if they could not help with a specific request, silence did not mean indifference. It simply meant they remained in prayer.

Trusting God With the Outcome

One of the most striking parts of this system is how it teaches everyone involved to trust God.

Someone may respond immediately: “I can bring dinner,” “I can drive,” or “I can help with the kids.” If no one responds, everyone remembers something important:

The family already has a Savior.

The goal is not for the group to solve every problem. The goal is to carry what can be shared and entrust the rest to Christ. Much of what happens next is the powerful, invisible act of praying and lifting their needs before the only One who can truly help.

While this group text was a beautiful way to care for the couple, who so appreciated it — it was also messy. Just as life always is. Yet despite the inevitable imperfections, with hiccups and misunderstandings, it continues to be an amazing way to support friends going through an overwhelming season.

Why This Matters

This approach reflects the heart of Galatians 6.

Each of us carries our own load before the Lord, but we also help carry one another’s burdens. We pray, bring meals, offer rides, help with children, both to honor Christ and to remind members of his body that they are not walking alone.

Through that ordinary care, we begin to fulfill what Paul calls the law of Christ — loving our neighbor as ourselves and loving one another as he has loved us.