Is Perfection Sabotaging Your Most Important Friendships? - Lisa E Betz

All of us need fulfilling relationships to thrive. We need close family and good friends to support us, encourage us, and love us even when we mess up. But perfectionism can cause tension in these relationships. Is perfection sabotaging your friendships?

“Unfortunately, unrealistic expectations can sabotage a woman’s chances of having a happy marriage and gratifying friendships. Because of the way perfectionists view the world, they often struggle to form and maintain relationships of all kinds.” ~ Alice D. Domar, Ph.D.

How is perfection sabotaging your relationships?

Because we care about the people we love, we want the best for them and expect the best from them. Unfortunately, this leads to unintended consequences that can sabotage the relationship.

Here are some common ways perfectionism can harm our relationships:

• We place our own unrealistically high expectations on others (without their buy-in) and then are disappointed when they fail to meet them (or even seem to care they haven’t met them).
• We may form a habit of criticizing others without being aware we are doing so, or aware of how hurtful our “helpful” words are to others.
• Out of fear we will be judged if others discover how imperfect we really are, we tend to keep relationships shallow to avoid the risk of being vulnerable.
• We strive for perfection so we can gain approval and win affection, only to be disappointed when others take our efforts for granted instead of giving us the affirmation we crave.
• We’ve fallen for the lie that a perfect marriage is possible. If we can find Mr. Right, we can enjoy wedded bliss, with no strife and a spouse that meets our every need.

As you can see, unhelpful beliefs like these add friction in relationships. What can we do to let go of them and create stronger, more enjoyable relationships?

We can start by identifying unhelpful beliefs that sabotage relationships, and finding strategies to replace them with healthier beliefs and behaviors. Here are a few common ones.

If they love me, they should know what I need/want without me having to tell them

This is a common misconception that is rooted in placing unrealistic expectations on others while also avoiding the need to be vulnerable and admit imperfection in ourselves. (Perfectionist thinking views admitting any need as a weakness.)

A better mindset

Instead of assuming others can read your mind or know what you need, tell them directly.

This means stating your needs clearly, not tossing out hints and expecting results. Here are a few examples.

• Hint: It would be nice if someone could pick up these shoes.
• Clear statement: John, could you please put your shoes away before dinner.
• Hint: I forgot to get the salad dressing.
• Clear statement: Mary, could you please get the Ranch dressing from the fridge.
• Hint: Look at that necklace. Isn’t it beautiful?
• Clear statement: I would really love a necklace similar to that for my birthday.
• Hint: Does anyone want dessert?
• Clear statement: I would like to serve dessert now. Can you please finish what you are doing so we can gather at the table.  

NOTE: For some reason, we women have a particular problem stating needs clearly. I still find myself asking for things in hint form much too frequently. My husband delights in “translating” my hints to my sons and grandsons.  

ANOTHER NOTE: We can word asking statements in a polite, kind way that is not selfish, insensitive, or impatient.

I should point out errors whenever I find them

Perfectionists are experts at detecting errors. They can’t help noticing mistakes and they want to be perceived as someone who doesn’t make them. Thus, the natural thing to do is bring errors to light when we see them.

However, our friends and family members don’t appreciate having their mistakes pointed out any more than we do.

A better mindset

Choose to be kind instead of proving you are right.

There are times when insisting on 100% accuracy is important (such as bank statements or brain surgery). However, most daily interactions between friends do not require absolute correctness. Therefore, we can apply the “be kind, not right” mantra to most casual conversations.

This means choosing to overlook grammar mistakes, misquotes, and other minor infractions. Yes, it can be painful to ignore obvious mistakes. That is why we need to repeat the “be kind, not right” mantra often. Every time we refrain from correcting other people’s minor mistakes, we have chosen kindness and have communicated that we value this relationship more than we value perfection.

There is ONE best way to do something or ONE correct belief about an issue

Many unnecessary arguments begin because a perfectionist insists her approach to something is “right” and all others are wrong or less than.

In reality, there are usually several effective ways to accomplish a task or solve a problem. And even if your way is the most efficient or effective, is insisting you are right and they are wrong worth hurting someone you love?  

When we insist others do things our way, or else, we communicate that our affection is conditional on them complying to our standards. That is not the message we want to send.

A better mindset

Agree to disagree.

Whether the issue is which way the toilet paper roll goes, or who to vote for, choose to extend grace and refrain from trying to win them over to your point of view. Agree to disagree, because remaining friends is more important than picking sides on an issue or agreeing on the “best” way to clean the kitchen.

When we choose to be kind instead of being right and agree to disagree instead of insisting we know best, we are valuing the friendship over our need to be perfect.

And that is a beautiful thing.

How will you avoid perfection sabotaging your friendships this week?

Which of the unhelpful mindsets above resonated with you? Will you set an intention right now to begin shifting to a healthier mindset that will reduce friction and extend grace and kindness to the people in your life?

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Material for this post was adapted from the book Be Happy without Being Perfect: How to Break Free from the Perfection Deception by Alice D. Domar, Ph.D. with Alice Lesch Kelly