Is It Marriage You Want—or Emotional Security? - Bravester
There is a difference between the two but they are often blurred into one desire. The desire to be married is real. But to be in a marriage is entirely different.
I need to be honest here. I learned of this difference only after I got married.
Before I got married I desired companionship, someone to do things with, someone to deal with the snake in the garden, and mostly someone to stop the church gossip about me. I did 15 years single as a youth pastor in churches. And I believed in dating and showing my teens how to date well. So you can imagine the gossip! My prayers often were, “God, please send me someone so I don’t have to see or hear this gossip about me.”
That is not the best prayer to pray for your marriage!
Now that I am married and I have the companionship, someone around (who is also a messy), someone who will deal with that snake, and someone who marks me as “safe” for those gossipy church women, I realize marriage is not what I thought it was.
Yes, I got emotional security but that is about 1/16th of what marriage is.
Marriage is two whole people becoming whole. This is a lot of adjustments, growth, and dependency on God to help you grow. Because you really only have say-so over you. It’s waking up next to someone who loves you and who triggers you. It’s laughing deeply—and sometimes weeping quietly—over the daily grind of dishes, disagreements, disappointments, and the beauty that somehow still grows through it all.
The desire to be married can sometimes be about fixing a loneliness or silencing outside noise or wanting protection. But being in a marriage means learning to hold space for another person’s story, wounds, quirks, and glory. It means realizing that your spouse is not there to fill your gaps but to grow with you in them.
And here’s the thing: God answered my prayers—but not just to remove the gossip. He gave me someone who would gently (and sometimes clumsily) walk with me toward being more whole. Marriage has been less about what I need and more about learning how to love someone when it’s not convenient, not romantic, not easy—and still worth it.
So, yes, desire marriage. But don’t confuse that desire with what marriage is. Because marriage is deeper, messier, and more beautiful than I ever imagined. It’s not the answer to the ache of singleness—but it is a calling to show up daily in the kind of love that transforms us both.
Your desire is not wrong. But bravely refine it. Learn the difference as best you can before you have to wake up daily with a messy person (and one who talks way too much).
It’s not about being saved from gossip. It’s about being invited into transformation—yours and his, together.
Maybe this is why so many women (and men) accept marriage proposals from poor matches. They are just happy enough to have the emotional security without realizing the work that is coming.
My vanity would not allow me to accept marriage proposals from bad matches. That means I was single a lot longer than I wished for. That means I had to endure the gossip for way longer than I wished for. Enduring the gossip propelled me to make godly choices so I could be above all of the gossip. I’m proud of those choices that I made. I do not have regrets.
Looking back, I see that the waiting wasn’t wasted—it was shaping (though I still hated the waiting). Those years of singleness and side glances taught me to anchor my worth in God, not in someone else’s presence or approval. They taught me to choose wisely, not desperately. They taught me a moral lifestyle that would rise above the gossip. And they taught me that God cares far more about who I am becoming than just how quickly I can get what I want.
So if you’re still waiting, still desiring, still walking past whispers with your head held high—keep going. Let your desire be real, but let your trust in God be louder. He sees you, and he’s not just preparing someone for you—-he’s preparing you for the kind of love that’s worth the wait. The kind of love that can grow in the beautiful and painful disruptions that marriage is.
Trust me on this. As you still have your moments of anger with God. I know.
