I Used All of My Goodness at School - Bravester

You get the afterschool version of your beloved. It’s not always a blessing.

As I’m curiously learning (sort, of, I’m no scientist) about the developing brain, the part of the brain that interprets emotions is developmentally behind the emotions themselves. Oh dear. You are living with that, right? You are on the receiving end when a bad day becomes full of misunderstandings that have nothing to do with the bad day. When a hurt has happened to your child but instead of identifying the source of the hurt, he/she takes it out on someone or something else or even themselves.

For some of you parents, school is hard on your uniquely-created beloved. When he/she cheekily says, “I used all of my goodness at school” you believe them. You know it took a lot out of the soul of your child to make it through the school day. You are grateful they tried their best for school.

Now at home you get the emotional release. It is a lot. You suffer. The siblings certainly suffer. Your physical home probably also has scars on the walls.

If this reminder helps at all, in their brain development they are not as smart as you yet. They haven’t learned how to process the pain without it affecting any one and every one near them. They haven’t learned how to put words to what is actually going on so they just storm instead.

Oh wait, is this you too? Yes, but only sometimes! Give yourself a break.

You get to live in this whirlwind of emotions with your growing child. You also get to live with the beautiful moments when they are full of gratitude and joy and discovery.

School is required. School is education and you do want your beloved learning. School is also 8 hours of staying focused, regulating emotions with all kinds of people in their personal space, with a mix wonderful and safe teachers as well as neglectful and mean teachers. Your child is handling all of this while in the vulnerability of learning (which makes you feel dumb too often) with a developing brain. This is a recipe for dramatic afternoons that spill over past bedtimes.

Hello, parent, I see you. And I want to encourage you. If this is your child, you are not a failure as a parent and you are crucial for your child make it through these hard school years.

I write this as a youth pastor who pastors these teens who hate school and are just trying to survive school. Sometimes I get their misplaced emotions too. I know you get them often.

In that afterschool storm, they need a safe landing spot, a relaxed face, and maybe a snack to help the processing of emotions they can’t even name yet. Boundaries, consistency, support. You get to help them recharge safely at home.

And sometimes they will ask you a question and you will have the honor of passing all of your learned wisdom mixed with the truth of a Larger Story God who cares about all of this.

As you become the one who is trusted when nothing is trustworthy currently (not even their bodies are trustworthy), you are building resilience in your child. You are teaching the great life lesson that failure is survivable. And passing on hope, because hope is learned from parents.

This is happening even as you have been noticing your beloved turning more to their peers and the mess of social media for advice and community. Sometimes I am the lucky one they turn to. You are becoming background-voice mom (and dad) but you are who your tween and teen come to for comfort and support, especially in that afterschool storm.

You are seen. And hopefully supported where you are.