Examining the Roots of the Estrangement Epidemic-
If someone says, “I love God,” and yet he hates his brother or sister, he is a liar; for the one who does not love his brother and sister whom he has seen, cannot love God, whom he has not seen- 1st John 4:20 NASB
For much of human history family estrangements were fairly rare. Even the average heathen believed blood was thicker than water and that honoring one’s parents was just something decent people did (Exodus 20:12, Matthew 15:4, Mark 10:19, Ephesians 6:1-3). When estrangements did occur, there was shame in being alienated from one’s parents.
That ship has officially sailed.
Self-reporting indicates that at least 85 million adults (one-fourth of the population) are estranged from at least one family member (usually their parents). Many are proudly estranged, some even tout estrangement as the ultimate in “self-care”.
The number one reason given for an estrangement is nearly always “toxicity”. Toxicity is subjective. Toxicity is rarely defined as physical or sexual abuse or even cruelty. Instead, family members are commonly labeled “toxic” for far murkier issues which include (but are not limited to) voting the “wrong” way, offering unsolicited advice, or refusing to celebrate a gender transition. Adult children have also canceled family for attending the wrong church, using the wrong pronouns or having any expectations of the adult child.
I understand not all parent-child relationships are idyllic. There are parents who were physically or sexually abusive who remain obstinately unrepentant. There are also parents of adult children who are addicted to drugs, cruel, or abusive towards their grandchildren. In these cases, the adult child should forgive as God requires (Matthew 6:14-16, Matthew 18:21-35, Ephesians 4:32). However, it is also totally appropriate for said child to establish boundaries and honor their parents from a bit of a distance (honoring from a distance might look like text communication, photos, cards and infrequent visits).
That said
No one can find a single Bible verse that grants anyone permission to go “low” or “no contact” with family over anything as nebulous as “toxicity”. Such verses simply do not exist.
This is an issue that need to be brought into the light.
Many of the children who have gone “no contact” are professing Christians. Many of the parents who have been canceled by their children have no idea why. Most churches are silent where this issue is concerned. This leaves all parties with no spiritual leadership or comfort when dealing with a family conflict.
The problem of estrangement is huge. It cannot be solved or even completely explored in a blogpost. However, it is possible to shed some light on how we got here. Like most cultural phenomenon the estrangement epidemic has roots. In recent decades there have been dramatic cultural changes in how children are viewed and parented; as well as some profound changes in the value placed on relationships. I suspect much of the cultural transformation was brought on by:
Therapy culture-
Even many Christians have traded biblical counsel and common-sense advice for secular therapy. A wise and godly counselor is literally worth their weight in gold (Proverbs 11:14, Proverbs 24:6). However, a bad therapist is one of the most dangerous forces on earth (Proverbs 12:5). Unfortunately, there are therapists who will gleefully diagnose parents they have never met with serious disorders such as narcissism or borderline personality disorder. Some therapists literally specialize in helping young adults estrange from their families. With this type of therapy there is no goal of reconciliation or mutual compromise. The only goal is separation and conflict. No therapist (no matter how skilled) can effectively diagnose anyone without at least one meeting. Furthermore, any therapist who does not at least attempt to get both sides of the story before recommending estrangement is guilty of malpractice (Proverbs 18:17, Psalm 1:1). Run from such people.
A pathological refusal to forgive-
Many parents are bad parents in a way that does not constitute physical or sexual abuse. Some parents were/are emotionally distant. Others divorced and lived their own lives with little thought or regard to the needs of their offspring. Some parents yelled too much or were controlling or did not allow enough space for personal expression (Ephesians 6:4). There are at least a million ways parents can fail and most do in one way or another. However, the commandments that mandate forgiveness and honoring parents are unconditional. God’s word simply leaves no legitimate wiggle room for any course of action except obedience. Alas, forgiveness is no longer in fashion, even for the smallest of offenses or unintentional mistakes. Instead, many Christians and virtually all unbelievers label the person a who offended them a filthy name and move on. This attitude runs counter to Scripture, ruins those who refuse to forgive and destroys any opportunity for generational healing.
An idolized view of children-
An idol is anything or anyone that gets first place in our lives. For at least a generation, parents have been encouraged to idolize their children. Children have been told by parents and teachers they are really special, and their feelings are always super important. The goal has been to make kids feel good about themselves regardless of what they do or how they behave. Sacrificing for a child’s wellbeing has always been a standard of good parenting. However, today’s parents are encouraged to sacrifice so their kids can have luxuries previous generations reserved for adults who had worked hard all their lives. If an individual is treated like an idol, no one should be surprised when they start behaving as if they are a god who has the right to determine their own destiny. Is it any wonder that an entire generation has concluded they can determine their own gender and cut people out of their lives without an explanation?
Christians cannot control what unbelievers do or don’t do (1st Corinthians 5:12). If unbelievers continue to choose the dangerous path of embracing idolatry, hate and division, we have to let them. Our responsibility is to pray they have a change of heart before any more heartbreak ensues. Christians, on the other hand are called to embrace the heart of God (2nd Corinthians 13:11). This means we seek healing, peace and wholeness in every relationship (Romans 12:18, Hebrews 12:15). Churches and Church leaders must ask questions when presented with an estranged family and not assume they know who is at fault. Pastors must return to encouraging healing and forgiveness in families. Refusing to do so will only lead to more brokenness, pain and evil. It will result in the removal of God’s blessing (2nd Timothy 3:1-5). No one sane wants that.
