Ending That Bad Relationship - Bravester

You know you are in a bad relationship.

Because your soul knows it too. Is this the source of your unnamed anxiety?

But…but…but… You have your excuses as to why you are staying in it.

Let’s talk. We don’t know each other so I get to be blunt with you.

There are lies we tell ourselves to stay in a relationship. Read them all. Circle the ones you’ve been telling yourself. Show them to someone you trust. (Don’t be surprised if they hug you and say “it’s about time!” and also say something like they are proud of you.)

Because marriage doesn’t change anyone’s character. This is not going to get better.

Time has revealed that this is not a match after all. Deep down you know it. Instead of facing the ending which needs to be made, you start to contort, to be super-glued, to pray, to cry, to compromise, to lie to yourself, to lie to others, to put “what God told me” as more important than what you are discerning now.

When anyone tells you that they require unconditional love in their romantic relationships, what they’re really saying is that they want someone who has no personal limits. This does not sit right in your soul.

In relationships, the person who cares the least has the most power. You are done feeling helpless and powerless (even as you are so scared to be without this person).

You’re no longer so quick (and desperate) to fall for the “I miss you” text. If you respond to the chain yank of an “I miss you,” you’re communicating that it’s all right to keep treating you like the fallback that you have no problem being. Until now.

Your heart longs for him to acknowledge the pain he caused—to finally see it, name it, and validate it. So you are sticking around hoping. That desire runs deep, because being understood can feel like healing. But beneath that ache is a quieter truth. Your dignity is asking for something different. It’s asking for you to honor your worth, even if he never takes responsibility.

With a bad match, I’m sorry usually means, “I shouldn’t have done what I did because now I’m no longer getting my needs met. Can you please reset our relationship with your forgiveness so I can stop feeling the way I do?” It will never mean “I’m remorseful, I’ve changed.” “I realize how I’ve hurt you, and I feel terrible about it. I want to make things right.”

When someone is genuinely sorry, they will respect your newly adjusted boundaries with awareness of the pain that their behavior caused. When someone is genuinely sorry, you can start trusting them again when a new source of energy becomes a part of your relationship. Change happens when there is a new amount of force driving it. Such as a coach, supervisor, counselor, peer coach, accountability partner. If there is a new energy to your bad relationship you may have reason to hope. This kind of new energy changes things. Not the repeat of the same behaviors. So says Dr. Henry Cloud in his book, Trust. (I highly recommend it.)

You want to stop playing the “I will only think of the good parts of him” trick. Every time you think about breaking up/making this ending, you begin to miss someone who does not exist. You focus just on the part that you like and fail to look at the whole of the person, which includes the negatives which time has revealed to not be a match for you. You never make the ending because you feel like you are losing something wonderful. But this person you are really in love with does not exist.

All of this turmoil inside your soul has now surfaced. This is holy tension. “Holy tension” is the discomfort of being stuck in between but knowing that if you can make a brave vulnerable decision something holy is going to happen. A change for you is coming. And the people who love you are cheering you on.

Some more Dr. Henry Cloud wisdom on the why we avoid endings from Necessary Endings. (I think I love this book even more than Trust.) There are valid reasons why we avoid making endings. Only some of them are because we want to hang on to a bad relationship.

Why we avoid endings:

You hang on too long when you should end something now. We are honestly talking about this one now. Please talk about this with someone in your real life too.

You do not know if an ending is actually necessary, or if “it” or “he”or “she” is fixable. Mentioned above. There is a way to maybe hope you two can be fixed. Here’s another article to read about this: Another List to Help You Know if Your Other is Actually Going to Change This Time.

You are afraid of the unknown. Possible? Ask yourself.

You fear confrontation. Honestly, no one likes to lead in confrontation. It is one of those brave necessities though.

You are afraid of hurting someone. Get over it. You are done being hurt.

You are afraid of letting go and the sadness associated with an ending. For real. Remember that pain is your beginning. It is time for a beginning for you.

You do not possess the skills to execute the ending. A very likely maybe for you. Bring in your team, your gift of people to help you with this. They certainly want to help you with this. Here are many endings tips to help you. And here.

You do not even know the right words to use. No one is good at this. Maybe some people are more experienced at this so they might be adequate at it. Waiting for the right words is not a reason to delay. Trust the Holy Spirit to attempt to give you the right words. Make the brave decision and try.

You have had too many and too painful endings in your personal history, so you avoid another one. This ending is coming one way or another. You can’t avoid it. You can start now to avoid further regrets.

When an ending is forced upon you, you do not know how to process it and you sink or flounder. This is a real fear. But you have a team of people supporting you and carrying you. (You do, right?)

You do not learn from previous endings, so you repeat the same mistakes over and over. Experience will not make you wiser. It makes you older. Experience does not guarantee that next time will be any better or different. Evaluate your experiences and learn.

(Dr. Henry Cloud, Necessary Endings, p. 9)

Have I sufficiently pushed you into the holy tension so you can make that brave decision?

One more truth bomb for you. Your soon-to-be ex needs three things to survive after your break up:

Your attention
Your reaction
Your low self-esteem

This is because love imposters need these things to stay comfortable in their toxicity. There is no reason for them to personally grow when they can suffocate your personal growth.

For you to heal from this bad relationship, you need three things: