Do You Think People Get in the Way of Your Goals? - Bravester
Let’s start here with someone else’s brilliant thoughts.
“I saw a tweet recently that was the perfect example of this. This young guy shared his Patrick Bateman-esque morning routine: journaling, red light therapy, breathwork, meditation, gym, ice bath, sauna, reading, all in perfect silence. No interruptions; no spontaneity. And there’s nothing necessarily wrong with it, but it’s just not the kind of lifestyle you can have with other people around. Watching it, my first thought was, wow, if this is the ideal, no wonder young people are delaying marriage and having children. We’ve been told that the meaning of life is self-actualisation, to achieve some perfect state of mental health and productivity. Don’t commit until you have perfect control. But I think that way of thinking will backfire. Because the end point of trying to control everything is you become like a machine: emotionally detached, hyper-productive, super-efficient…and alone.
“And eventually, you end up seeing other human beings as distractions, as annoyances. Other people become obstacles. For women, men become obstacles to our healing and mental health. For men, women seem like obstacles to their ambition and self-development. Or vice versa. It all seems like an avoidance strategy to me, everyone trying very hard not to be vulnerable and get hurt.
“Maybe it’s the hopeless romantic in me but, in my mind, you do all those things for love. For family. We try to heal, we work harder, for our relationships, to build a more stable and reliable foundation for the people we care about. Isn’t that the point? What’s all this for, otherwise? But now it seems like we’re optimising ourselves away from each other, hiding away to heal ourselves, protecting our peace so fiercely we end up alone.” –Freya India, https://www.freyaindia.co.uk/p/a-world-in-upheaval
Here’s the question: Do people get in the way of your goals? Or do we need people to help us make our goals?
I understand why the economy and social media are encouraging us to “optimize” ourselves away from people. There is money to be made off of you.
I understand why you would want to reconfigure your budget to take better care of yourself with such products and programs. To reconfigure your budget is less vulnerable than to trust people. You can control your money budget and your time budget. What you can’t control is the possibility of someone betraying you.
Even so, doesn’t it sound wonderful to have people to help you make your goals? To have these special chosen friends and family to be your cheerleaders, to be your advisors, to help carry you on those extra hard days, and to be the ones to tell you how proud they are of you. Because those words coming from them who know you through the struggle will mean everything in the world to you.
This…is worth the risk of people.
Paul Tripp wrote these truths about the real of relationships in his book, Relationships: A Mess Worth Making:
- Our relationships will never work according to our plan—because relationships reveal our heart and builds our character.
- Our relationships will never live up to our expectations—this side of eternity none of us get to be with the person of our dreams and none of us are ready to be the person of someone else’s dreams.
- Our relationships will always grapple with some kind of difficulty—this could be you, this could be me, this could be a life circumstance. Do we have grace for all of this?
- Our relationships will always need to improve.
There are the risks.
Who wants that when you can be super-efficient alone? I’m hoping you will choose the gift of people.
As Derek Thompson said in the now-viral The Atlantic article, “All of this time alone, at home, on the phone, is not just affecting us as individuals. It’s making society weaker, meaner, and more delusional.” –Derek Thompson, “The Anti-Social Century,” The Atlantic, January 8, 2025
And all the people said, “Amen.”
We have got to try people again. For the sake of our culture. And for our own souls.
You have got to make the brave faith decisions to attach your life to people. Make the decisions to have the beautiful and the awkward of relationships with real people who have the potential to betray you and even more potential to grow you.
People are a part of spiritual formation.
Joy does not exist outside of relationship. Read the science about that. That at first sounds like a pithy-Christian statement but it is actually science. Of course, science does reveal the heart of God.
Do you feel the vulnerability of all this? Does this make you want to have an AI friend instead? You are being sold that too.
Jeffrey Hall, a professor of communication studies at the University of Kansas, from his research says it takes about 50 hours to form a casual friendship, 90 hours to transition to a real friendship, and 200 hours to become good friends. Source.
That is 200 hours of risk-taking vulnerability. Worth it for when that friend looks at you and says, “I’m so glad to know you.” Or, “Only you know me this way.” Or, “I’m so proud of you.”
We are hurt by people we have relationships with. We will also be healed by being in relationships with people.
Intentionally make your Life Team. Your Life Team is the friendships you purposely put into your life to help you flourish. Check out this downloadable pdf to learn more about what makes a Life Team member and descriptions of who you need on your Life Team: https://largerstory.church/wp-content/uploads/2024/12/How_To_Make_Friends_Final.pdf
I’ve also created for you this small group video study on how to find your Life Team. Hit play and then pause when a question is asked for your group to discuss. Here’s the first lesson.
