Are You Stuck in the Sticky Web of Perfection? - Lisa E Betz

Do you secretly struggle with feelings of frustration, sadness, and disappointment? Do you operate under a heavy weight of expectations and the exhaustion of trying to meet them? If so, you may be stuck in the sticky web of Perfection.

How does perfection keep us stuck?

We know intellectually that perfection is impossible, yet in today’s world we constantly face ads, images, and messages that tell us we ought to achieve impossibly high standards in all areas of life. As Alice D. Domar, Ph.D. says in her book Be Happy without Being Perfect:

“From the minute we drag ourselves out of bed in the morning till the minute we fall asleep at night, we are inundated with messages that tell us we should be thin, beautiful, successful, and sexy while being exceptional parents, supportive spouses, superlative employees, and cheerful volunteers. Oh, and we’re supposed to get a restaurant-quality Thanksgiving dinner for twenty-three people on the table without breaking a sweat.”

These insidious messages trick us into believing that if only we work hard enough we can attain perfection. And when we do, we will finally feel happy, successful, and appreciated.

Unfortunately, perfection is not achievable. So, instead of feeling happy and fulfilled, we feel frustrated and stressed, which only makes us miserable, because:

“Perfectionists have unrealistic expectations about stress—they think that if they work hard enough to find “perfect” solutions to their problems, all of their stress will disappear. To a perfectionist, stress is a sign of failure.” ~ Alice D. Domar, Ph.D.

Can you see how this vicious cycle keeps us stuck?

How badly are you stuck in the sticky web of perfection?

We all struggle with perfectionist thinking from time to time. That’s normal. But for some of us, trying to attain perfection has become a habit that keeps us from enjoying life or functioning in the freedom of our purpose.

Where are you on that spectrum? Do you relate to any of these common perfectionist tendencies?

• When you make a mistake, you struggle to stop thinking about it.
• You can’t help noticing mistakes and tend to correct others when they are wrong.
• You’re highly competitive and never want to rate lower than others.
• You hate doing a task half-way. If you can’t do the job fully and completely, you’d rather not do it at all.
• You keep working on a task to make it as perfect as possible long after others would have moved on.
• Asking for help is hard for you, because it feels like admitting you are weak or flawed.
• You’re very aware of the expectations of those around you and how well you meet them (or fail to).
• You wish others would value perfection as much as you do, and are upset when they don’t strive for the same high standards.

If these resonate with you, please read on.

What is the web of perfection doing to me?

Perfectionistic thinking can seep into every area of our lives, from housekeeping, to career to relationships, to our interactions with God. The subtle lies that push us to strive for perfection twist our attitudes and focus in ways like these.

• We are constantly comparing ourselves to some ideal (and falling short) rather than finding acceptance and worth in who God created us to be.
• It keeps us focused on what’s missing instead of free to enjoy what we have. This leads to ingratitude and dissatisfaction.
• Because perfection is unattainable, we never feel content or satisfied.

“Everything is never perfect, and if you expect it to be, true happiness and contentment will always be out of reach.”  ~ Alice D. Domar, Ph.D.

• It leads us to waste too much time on non-essential tasks as we strive for perfection in tiny details.
• We are forever beating ourselves up for not attaining the standards or expectations we think we must.
• We get the mistaken message that having personal needs of any kind is a sign of failure and weakness. Thus, we try to do it all on our own strength and are afraid to admit when we are hurting or need help.

How do I break free from the web of protection?

The first step is to begin recognizing when you’ve fallen into perfectionistic thinking patterns. Next, learn to shift your thinking into healthier mindsets and begin retraining your brain avoid the pitfalls of perfectionism.

It’s a slow process that requires effort and persistence, but it is VERY doable. Just take it one small step at a time. I’ll be going into more detail on breaking free from the sticky web of perfection in upcoming posts.

For now, let me leave you with a bit of encouragement.

“You can be happier. You can take better care of yourself. You can feel healthier, more content, and more satisfied. These may sound like pie-in-the-sky goals, but you can achieve them far more easily that you realize. You can be happier by reframing your expectations and embracing an imperfect life. You can be happy without being perfect.” ~ Alice D. Domar, Ph.D.

Material for this post was adapted from the book Be Happy without Being Perfect: How to Break Free from the Perfection Deception by Alice D. Domar, Ph.D. with Alice Lesch Kelly