You Can’t Change Them: Three Powerful Ways to Impact Teens While You Wait

If there’s one thing I’ve learned while serving in youth ministry, it’s that I cannot change a student’s heart—no matter how desperately I long to. Only God can do that. 

Most teenagers I know are remarkable in their own right—learning to navigate new responsibilities, freedoms, and relationships with a resilience I seem to have misplaced in my mid-twenties. Along with this, they tend to possess a certain headstrong determination, insisting on figuring things out for themselves. If you know and love a teenager, you’re probably familiar with this dynamic.

As a youth leader with a type-A personality and more than a dash of perfectionism in my DNA, this is where I struggle. I care about my students. I want the best for them. That’s why I sometimes wish I could just step in and make decisions for them when they share what they’re wrestling with. But just as teens will never learn to drive if they’re never allowed behind the wheel, they’ll never take ownership of their faith (or come to saving faith in Christ to begin with) if you and I are always trying to do it for them. 

Instead, we must trust the work of the Holy Spirit in their lives and allow our own desire to change their hearts to take a back seat. That doesn’t mean we’re powerless. In fact, letting go of our urge to change the teens in our lives and leaning into three things we can do is profoundly powerful. Why? Because these things don’t depend on us—they depend on God. 

1. Get them to God’s Word.

There’s nothing more powerful than the Word of God. It never returns void (Isa. 55:11). It’s a living and active double-edged sword that can divide soul and spirit, joints and marrow. It is able to judge “the thoughts and intentions of the heart” (Heb. 4:12). It’s where God reveals His plan for human flourishing. It’s where He gives us answers to our questions. Most importantly, it’s where He makes Himself known to us. 

If there’s anything that can change the hearts and lives of a teenager, it’s the Word of God and the Spirit of God. If teens are regularly drinking from the fountain of life found in God’s Word, it will have an impact on their lives. As they encounter God for who He is, the natural response (or should I say the supernatural response) is a changed heart, perspective, and life. 

2. Pray for them. 

As teens encounter God’s Word and navigate life, one of the most important things we can do is pray for them. Prayer reminds us that our role isn’t to be the Savior of the teenagers in our lives but to point them to Him. It reorients our hearts from striving to surrender. When we pray for our teens, we acknowledge not only that the work of transformation belongs to God alone but also that He invites us into that work through intercession.

Pray that:

• The Holy Spirit would draw your teenager to saving faith in Christ Jesus (John 6:44).
• The Lord would reveal Himself to them in Scripture (Psalm 119:18).
• The Lord would help them grow in understanding the full counsel of God (Col. 1:9).
• The Holy Spirit would convict them of sin and help them fight temptation (1 Cor. 10:13). 
• They would pursue holiness and ultimate happiness by pursuing Christ (Psalm 16:11).

Prayer is powerful because we pray to a powerful God. Don’t underestimate the Lord’s work in their lives. Intercede for them, and trust that He will accomplish His purposes in His perfect timing. 

3. Live out your faith in front of them.

In his booklet The (Not-So-Secret) Secret to Reaching the Next Generation, Kevin DeYoung says:

[The next generation] will only get serious about the Christian faith if it seems like something seriously worth their time . . . that God is the all-consuming reality in our lives. . . . Young people want to see that our faith actually matters to us. . . . If we are to grab the next generation with the gospel, we must grab them with passion. And to grab them with passion, we must be gripped with it ourselves.¹

If you long for the teenagers around you to take their faith seriously and have their hearts shaped by the truth of God’s Word, then it’s crucial that you take your own faith seriously and continually allow God’s Word to transform your heart as well. 

Leave Their Hearts in the Lord’s Hand

I wish that I could tell you that every time I’ve practiced these three things, all of my students have always experienced lasting heart change by the Lord. It grieves me to admit that is not the case. Some students who have filtered in and out of the youth groups I’ve served are not currently walking with the Lord. 

Just as the book of Proverbs teaches us patterns of wisdom—not formulas for guaranteed outcomes—these are not hard-and-fast promises. But here’s my encouragement to you: don’t stop. If the teen in your life is far from the Lord, keep lovingly pointing him or her to Scripture. Keep praying. Keep living out your faith before them. 

When the waiting feels long or discouragement starts to creep in, take comfort in knowing that you can’t be the Holy Spirit in their lives—and the Lord doesn’t expect you to be. You can plant seeds. You can water them faithfully. But only the Lord can make them grow.

The Lord loves the teen in your life even more than you do. He sees what you cannot, knows what you do not, and works in ways that often take time to become visible. So trust Him with the outcome. 

¹ Kevin DeYoung. The (Not-So-Secret) Secret to Reaching the Next Generation. Wheaton, IL: Crossway, 2024.