This post is to inform girls and women in ways that I was not informed. It is to encourage them in ways that I was not encouraged. It is to warn them in ways I was not warned.
Everyone has insecurities of some sort. For some people, their insecurities are a lot more debilitating. Some women are finding out about the dangers of relationships with their men primarily through their individual experiences.
Some people are uncomfortable with these topics. I believe that’s why sometimes, there is still a lot of silence among family, friends and colleagues about these issues.
However, if people could put themselves in the shoes of parents whose daughters or sons, or other loved ones have been harmed and killed in their relationships or marriages, this should help.
Some people are not safe in their relationships, but don’t recognize this fact. Many young ladies lack foresight, godly guidance and wisdom. As always, this is not a post to bash anyone. We are all imperfect, flawed people.
Everyone is born in sin and there is opportunity to be redeemed. There are plenty people who do change for the better, by the grace of God. This post is not about hopelessness, but is to encourage, support, and inform.
I have learned through my experiences and observations that men who are deeply insecure are often driven by fear in how they think and in how they move in life.
Their fears, unhealed trauma and insecurity negatively affect their relationships with others, including women. These types can be hostile and reckless at times. They can be dangerous not only to themselves, but to others also.
Some men live in fear of failure, fear of pain, and fear of rejection. Many have unresolved trauma. Many have bitterness and unforgiveness in their hearts. Their fears and anger often lead to control issues and violence- often, perpetrated against the women they are in relationships with.
• Their self-esteem tends to be low.
• Struggling in feelings of inadequacy, they often find ways to put others down and mistreat them.
Many insecure men also fear love.
They fear the what-ifs when it comes to being in love. On average, some men seem to be more internally fragile when it comes to matters of the heart, and have a harder time recovering from emotional pain than women do.
I also believe that in part, male promiscuity is somewhat of a defense mechanism, so that those promiscuous men do not feel vulnerable by attaching to any one woman.
I was once in a relationship with a man who out of his own insecurities criticized me- a lot. He seemed to thrive off of it. I was baffled. I am flawed, but goodness!
I was ignorant of why he kept picking on me over nonsense. When I questioned him as to why he kept criticizing me, insulting me, he admitted it made him feel ‘powerful.’
Although he regularly put me down, and was sometimes hostile towards me for no good reason, he also told me I was a “class A woman.” He gave me a list of reasons why he considered me a class A woman. Ok, so if I’m supposedly a class A woman, why not treat me like one?
In addition, he told me he wanted to marry me. He also casually explained to me that a lot of men he knew were bitter against women. He stated this dismissively, as if it was just a normal fact that was alright and acceptable.
The truth of the matter is, a lot of men are indeed bitter against women in general, and for some reason, this reality is often swept under the carpet, glossed over. Young women are not warned in many cases and are blissfully ignorant as they dream of, and pursue love. Plenty end up in relationships with men who target them with their bitterness.
This ex would also criticize successful women and tell me that they would do their jobs better if they were men. This man certainly did not represent all men. I should have chosen better! However, I know other women who have problems like this and even worse problems with their men.
I stayed with him for quite a while before I I truly acknowledged that I had had enough. The marriage didn’t happen. “You’re too good for me,“ a different, problematic ex told me. He lied a lot and later impregnated another woman before I left him.
There were other unpleasant situations for me, but what I have experienced pales in comparison to what some other women I know go through in their relationships and marriages to men who have not healed and been spiritually delivered.
Sometimes, when a man does not feel worthy of a woman and lacks integrity, he sabotages the relationship. I have witnessed it.
If he is fearful about the relationship, he may sabotage things. If he feels failure in any aspect of his life, he may take this out on his woman.
I was not previously informed about how certain men take their pain out on women. There are women who do the same to men. I found some of these things out on my own, through my experiences and observations of others going through it.
When a man is very insecure, untrusting of women, or feels unworthy of his woman, the resulting mistreatment of her can include the following:
• Being overly critical towards her.
• Being resentful of her.
• Being mean-spirited in general.
• Sabotaging the relationship in various ways.
• Perpetrating various forms of abuse, often verbal and physical.
• Cheating.
Cheating is especially common with men who:
- Live in fear of being hurt.
- Do not feel worthy of the women that they are with.
- Have trust issues with women.
In other words, cheating is common among pained men who live in insecurity and fear. They are to a great extent driven by their fears and insecurities in what they do.
Some men have stated fears that their women will cheat anyways, so they might as well cheat first!
Everything I’m speaking of can be inverted, because some men unfortunately go through the same things with women.
Since plenty men have been conditioned to believe that “getting sex” from women is tied to true manhood, one of the main things these types of men will do when they are feeling insecure or need affirmation is have sex with different women.
• Plenty young ladies are not proactively educated about these things.
• They may not know why their men are mean to them, why their men are cheating, why they can’t seem to please their men enough, no matter what they do.
• It is good for women to become involved with safer men who they are compatible with, based on shared values and mutual attraction. Safer men DO exist. Yet, safety is ultimately of the Lord.
Certainly, these types of men only describe a portion of the population. There are obviously gentlemen and ladies who are not abusive and will make ideal spouses. The goal is to be aware of and avoid insecure, abusive people.
Or, once caught up in an unchanging, toxic situation, get out soon enough. It is the responsibility of women to be very careful about the men we choose to become involved with. It is also our responsibility as women to treat our men with respect and kindness.
Learning how to spot major red flags early is very helpful. One benefit is to be educated about things in advance. Many women have not been proactively educated, informed. Another goal is to choose carefully and wisely. It is important to have healthy self-esteem, along with knowledge.
In an increasingly hostile world, it is of the utmost importance that the people of God love others as He commands us to.
Loving one another as we love ourselves means treating each other with kindness and forgiving one another for our faults. Yet, forgiveness does not mean one must remain in a dangerous situation. Remaining safe is of the utmost importance. Practicing the golden rule eliminates so many problems.
“Beloved, let us love one another: for love is of God; and every one that loveth is born of God, and knoweth God. He that loveth not knoweth not God; for God is love.” 1 John 4: 7-8.
