Manipulation or Motivation? Lessons in Persuasion from Philemon

As a natural persuader, whose default communication style is both directive and assertive, I’ve wrestled long and hard with the best way—and by that I mean the most Christlike way—to appeal to others. Because I’m painfully aware of my tendency to overbear with words.

So aware that I often add two words to the end my written appeals: 

“No pressure.” 

I’m also aware that simply tagging on those two words might not remove the force of the argument. It could even be taken as a passive-aggressive tactic—as if the very negation of the word “pressure” intends a subtle pressure. 

Still Grappling With Zeal

As you can tell, I’m still grappling. “Tell us what you really think,” still stings me once in a while. I’m trying to tone down my appeals.

“But it is always good to be zealous in good,” Paul wrote to the Galatian believers (4:18), and “Never be lacking in zeal“ he wrote to Christians in Rome (12:11). If Paul was anything, he was a zealous guy. 

 And if I’m anything, I’m a zealous girl. Persuasion comes with that territory. 

It goes way back. What category did my high school forensics coach suggest? Was it Impromptu or Farrago or Play Acting or Poetry? No, oratory— in which a good oration is characterized by vivid and forceful language—was the speech for me. 

As a natural persuader who is also constrained by the love of Christ, I desire to motivate, not manipulate. 

But when exactly does friendly persuasion morph into egocentric manipulation? How can I tell, not so much when others have crossed it, but when I have transgressed the line? 

A satisfying answer came in an unexpected place: in Paul’s 335-word letter to his friend Philemon.

“The Most Gentlemanly” (& Persuasive) Letter Ever Written

The apostle Paul’s epistle to Philemon has been called, “The most gentlemanly letter ever written by the most perfect gentleman.” 

After a month studying it, in English and in Greek, I agree. Apostle Paul displayed perfect courtesy. But this perfect gentleman also used a remarkable range of persuasive techniques to encourage Philemon to do the right thing. 

But before we examine those, notice what Paul did not do.

Although he began most of his epistles with a mention of his apostleship (e.g., Colossians 1:1, Romans 1:1, 2 Corinthians 1:1, Galatians 1:1, Ephesians 1:1). But with Philemon he did not. Rather than resort to his legitimate apostolic authority, Paul instead called himself a “prisoner of Christ Jesus.” 

Then, after his standard “grace and peace” greeting, he turned seamlessly to praise his friend,

I thank my God always when I remember you in my prayers, because I hear of your love and of the faith that you have toward the Lord Jesus and for all the saints. . . For I have derived much joy and comfort from your love, my brother, because the hearts of the saints have been refreshed through you. (Philemon 4-5, 7)

Had I been Philemon, my antennae would have come up then. 

Because as much as I don’t want to manipulate others, I don’t like to be manipulated. And somehow, I’ve learned to hear praise as a sales tactic, as a preface to “the ask” —as flattery.

But is it? 

Wary of Flattery

As much as I am on the alert for my own overzealous persuasion, I am wary of others’ flattery. 

Flattery is calculating. It’s used to get something for the speaker. It is manipulative. 

No one likes to be duped. 

I met a beauty consultant after a talk I gave. A few compliments and the promise of a wonder product to calm my crazy hair was all it took. I succumbed. But my frizz persisted and I canceled my membership two months and too many dollars later.   

Paul did not stoop to flatter, to dupe. His letter to Philemon is not a model of emotional manipulation. 

But I think it is a potent example of holy motivation. Which means it is right to use praise to persuade.

Love Motivates 

Please note, it is not inconsistent with love to motivate by pointing out obligations, opportunities, and consequences. Every loving parent does that.

This is what Paul does in the body of his letter. After Paul praises Philemon, he appeals,

Accordingly, though I am bold enough in Christ to command you to do what is required, yet for love’s sake I prefer to appeal to you— (Philemon 8-9) 

Love impels, not hinders, us from encouraging those we love to do the right thing. Paul could not have made that more plain: “for love’s sake…I appeal.” 

But before he comes out with the appeals, he inserts, 

I, Paul, an old man and now a prisoner also for Christ Jesus— (Philemon 9b).

“Have compassion,” Paul is saying, rattling his chains as it were, “won’t you do this, for poor old me?” 

To the gun-shy, those words sound like a ploy. 

But are they?

Friendly Persuasion 

The more I studied Paul’s words to Philemon, the more I came to read it as a masterwork on friendly persuasion— on friendly, godly persuasion. 

That the letter would be delivered by Onesimus, the runaway slave whose freedom Paul was appealing, and would be read aloud to the house church meeting in Philemon’s home, whatever the letter might say, is persuasive already. 

Persuasion, by the way, is not a bad thing. It is not the same as manipulation. To manipulate is “to control or play upon by artful, unfair, or insidious means especially to one’s own advantage.”

Manipulation is selfish. But persuasion need not be. 

To persuade is “to cause someone to do something through reasoning or argument; to plead with; urge.” It may involve sweet talk, which is the words’ Latin etymology: per: thoroughly; suadere: sweet, to advise. Indeed, the “sweetness of speech increases persuasiveness.”

Persuasion was on display when: 

• Abraham interceded with God for Sodom and Gomorrah (Genesis 18:22-23). 
• Moses implored Pharoah “Let my people go” (Exodus 7-11). 
• Queen Esther appealed to King Xerxes to protect her people (Esther 5-7). 
• The psalmist urged downcast souls “hope in God” (Psalm 42:5).
• John wrote his Gospel to convince readers to “believe that Jesus is the Christ, the Son of God” (John 20:31). 
• Jesus Christ himself sought to persuade the world that he was God’s Son (John 10:38). 

To manipulate is devilish, to persuade is human, but to persuade of true, good and beautiful things is divine. 

Don’t Get Confused

Many of us are too familiar with manipulation. So familiar in fact, that we might sense it when it’s not there. “It sounds like Paul is trying to manipulate Philemon,” a woman at Bible study said. We nodded. 

We are taught to see it:

Dozens of titles like these appeared the second I hit search.

What are those signs? 

Passive-aggressive behavior, guilt tripping, love bombing are a few classic signs of manipulation. Some signs we’d never confuse. No Christian in step with the Spirit would manipulate by gaslighting or lying. 

But others, at surface level, might be mistaken for manipulation. If you don’t keep Paul’s aim in mind, he might seem to be manipulating.

• “I, Paul, an old man and now a prisoner also for Christ Jesus” might sound like “play the victim,” (v. 9)—listen to Paul rattling his chains.
• “Yes, brother, I want some benefit from you in the Lord. Refresh my heart in Christ.” (v. 20) might sound like “prove your love.” 
• “Confident of your obedience, I write to you, knowing that you will do even more than I say,” (v. 21), might sound like Paul “pressuring [Philemon] to make a decision.”

But Paul’s goal was to put the gospel on display. He was as Christ, seeking to reconcile the offended to the offender. Paul’s aim was that Philemon and Onesimus be reconciled. 

In his 335 words to Philemon, Paul was living 1 Timothy 1:5a, “The aim of our charge is love.“  

Love is the difference. 

The Key Difference Between Manipulation and Motivation

Motivation is very, very different from manipulation. Pastor Eric Geiger describes key differences:

1. Motivation is fueled by love. Manipulation is fueled by pride.
2. Motivation empowers people. Manipulation controls people.
3. Motivation values people. Manipulation devalues people.

But here, finally, is the difference between the two,

 “Motivation promotes the self-interest of the hearer, but manipulation promotes the self-interest of the speaker.”  

Dr. Thomas Constable

Paul did not command Philemon to receive Onesimus back. 

But Paul did aim to persuade—to motivate, encourage, and convince—Philemon to welcome his returned runaway as a brother in Christ. “Receive him as you would receive me,” was Paul’s great ask. 

I think the apostle Paul was a natural persuader like me. He implored and exhorted, admonished and warned. Paul was not covert. He made his aim plain.  

• Paul reasoned with the men of Athens to worship the true God at Mars Hill (Acts 17),
• Paul implored all “be reconciled to God” (2 Corinthians 5:3o), and
• Paul “tried to persuade them about Jesus” under house arrest in Rome (Acts 28:23). 

And Luke did not hesitate to state Paul’s goal, 

He reasoned in the synagogue every Sabbath, and tried to persuade Jews and Greeks. (Acts 18:4)

Paul was not a manipulator. 

But for love’s sake, he aimed to persuade. 

How I Set My (Zealous) Heart at Rest

Love, then, is the key determiner. It’s how I set my zealous heart at rest when I wonder if I’ve crossed the “pushy” line. It is not so much what or how as why. 

It’s not mainly about communication strategies and persuasive tools, although those may be employed. The “most perfect gentleman” used many as he crafted his to Philemon.

I’ve learned that the best way to know if it’s holy motivation or sinful manipulation is to ask myself:

Why do I appeal with such zeal? Why am I so eager to convince? Whose interest am I after?

Remember: “Motivation promotes the self-interest of the hearer, but manipulation promotes the self-interest of the speaker.”

The love of self tempts us to manipulate,
but the love of Christ compels us to motivate.  

Paul’s interest was Onesimus, who he called “my very heart” (v. 12). But it was also Philemon, his “dear friend,” (v. 1) and the church of God that met at his house. 

Did Paul’s Persuasion Work?

But did Paul’s persuasion work? Did Philemon forgive and receive Onesimus? 

We can’t be sure. But the fact that Philemon preserved the letter and allowed it to circulate among the churches suggests that he did. According to Christian tradition, Onesimus became the bishop of Ephesus and Philemon the bishop of Colossae. 

In closing, I invite you to read Paul’s “most gentlemanly” and lovingly persuasive letter today.

But no pressure.