What do you do with this?

I came here tonight because I am desperate. As I get closer to God I realize that doesn’t guarantee an answer about what I am supposed to do. My husband acts as if we’re fine everything is fine but it’s almost INSANE. What is your problem, “why is something always wrong?” It was never “fixed” to begin with!

What do you mean we dont say goodnight unless it’s me being condescending because I don’t even get that!

It’s me literally running my own feet and shoulders right in front of him. It’s barely ever making eye contact, it’s eating in separate rooms sleeping at different times, NO dates. ALL excuses. Well, you’re in school, work late, on computer, etc you name it he will throw it at me when I ask. It shuts everything down because I would put us above everything if prompted just a little.

Even though he cheated. I don’t know everything just that I was already married 9 years or so upon discovery- with a step daughter age 12 who calls me mom.

He tells me April 3, 2020 that he was cheating SIX years ago with her (his daughter) mom. Then Covid .

I was in shock. The ULTIMATE bs was to tell me after a supposed six year period!! What I’m the actual (he@$) am

I supposed tho think feel act??? I acted like an idiot. Uncontrollable anger screaming fighting sobbing. Sleeping in the other room about a month. We came together realizing we were lonesome, confused, trapped by the created senseless pandemic. And just “adapted”

Now I am so frustrated because all his efforts are dead. We eat same dinner. Work. Sleep. I want so much more but I need to be healthy and we’re limping along. My chest is heavy and I still feel
Like it would be devastating to actually LEAVE. WHY?

Support people and DM, why would I fee this way? Please help🙏🏼

We feel what we feel. Those feelings are data points, but they ought not to drive our decisions alone.

It sounds like your husband gave you a partial disclosure regarding his cheating and then expects you to behave as everything is fine afterwards. He doesn’t sound invested in repairing the relationship–i.e. your marriage–that he destroyed through his sinful choices to cheat and lie to you.

The later part is probably the biggest problem. He made it a lifestyle to lie to you for six years minimally! That is a deep character problem. You would be unwise to trust such a person after learning about such a dark secret.

Discovering infidelity is traumatic. It is soul rape! You’ve had your oneness in marriage violated by another woman entering into it against your will. Of course, intense emotions come with such a deep violation.

From what you wrote, I sense you know your marriage is over. You are left with a buffet of bad options with divorce probably being the least worse.

How can you heal with him still being connected to the affair partner via a kid? Plus, he does not seem motivated to help you heal from what you wrote. Can you ever be sure he is done cheating? What other dark secret is he keeping from you? Is living like this acceptable to you?

You have permission to divorce per Jesus’ own words in Matthew 19:9. There’s no shame in ending what was ended through your husband’s treachery.

Yes, it is scary going forward. Many of us have walked that scary path. It comes with a lot of loss. However, it is much easier once you are free of a deceitful abuser as cheaters are!

Blessings and hugs,

Pastor David (aka DM)