If God Has You Single: An Encouragement
By Elizabeth Prata
SYNOPSIS
Feeling the old pressure of New Year’s dates and Valentine expectations, I contrast restless singleness with hard-won contentment in Christ. Through regret, divorce, and redemption, I urge women to trust God’s appointed season, warning that chasing marriage can hurt more than waiting.
In my single years in my 20s I remember what a BIG deal going out for New Year’s was. It seemed like the end of the world if I didn’t have a date. What was I going to wear, that was the next massive dilemma to solve. Where to go wasn’t so much of a problem, plenty of bars, concerts, and restaurants in town were open and ready to cater to a bunch of silly, drunk people.
It seemed as if staying home alone on New Year’s was the biggest failure, like not curing cancer or kicking a puppy. The rising desperation. The fending of friends’ queries as to my plans. The longing looks at the telephone, willing it to ring.
I didn’t even enjoy going out that much. I also did not enjoy staying up late. One time in my married years, my husband and I spent it with my father and his girlfriend in Naples, Florida. We’d booked a table at a fine restaurant for 9 pm. My father wasn’t fond of staying up late, either, so by the time midnight arrived, after the restaurant had gotten packed with loud partygoers had gotten hot and smoky, we were ready to go back to the house.
I lived in Maine, so the event called “First Night” had been first organized around 1988 if I remember correctly. In Maine in December, it is cold. Even colder at midnight. I went along with what was expected of me, or what the crowd wanted to do back then, so I attended First Night.
New Year’s loomed large and I felt like a failure if I didn’t have a big set of plans ready to party down, or be romantic with someone, or whatever the societal mood was at the time. Even staying up to midnight to “watch the ball drop” was pretty big deal, but you had to have someone to watch it with. Or else you were a loser. At least that was how I felt about it. Or how I thought others felt about it.
It’s the same with Valentine’s Day. The pressure to perform on this man-made holiday. What to wear. Will he or won’t he? Getting a gift, giving a gift. When you’re unsaved it’s all about the externals, not the internals of godliness, choosing love, being patient and accommodating with your mate over time.
I saw this quote recently: “The loneliness you feel when you’re single is nothing compared to the pain of being with the wrong person.” — Pastor Dolapo Lawal.
I do not know who that pastor is but I liked the quote. Ladies, if you are in a single season, embrace it. You have more time to concentrate on growing through Bible study, devotionals, prayer, and fellowship, not to mention being able to fully pay attention to the sermon if there are no squalling ones you have to carry out of the sanctuary.
We are actually single a lot of our lives. We are single till marriage, whenever that occurs. We may be single again due to a sad death. I think of Anna here. Or an unwanted divorce. Look at the WOman at the Well in John 4. Married and co-habitating bunches of times and still unhappy.
Alternately, we may be one of the few chosen to remain single as Paul and Jeremiah were. I understand the urge to want to be paired up, wooed, married, and ensconced in a stable marriage. I really do. I’ve been there. Yet there are joys in the single season too, and if this is where God has you, complaining or over-yearning is actually a complaint against He who knows and loves you and has the best for you.
Trust me, being with the wrong person is painful. I was married twice before salvation, both times to the wrong person. I was mismatched with my first husband and he found someone who suited him better and left after a few short years. The pain of adultery and abandonment reverberates even this 40 years later.
The second time I’d been tired of being single and married unwisely, only 14 years later to divorce. Thankfully soon after that I was saved and there was deep relief to know He will help me slay my idol of marriage (for that is what it was) and He will deliver contentment to me in this season of life.
I soon came to understand I was not meant for marriage or children, and I am happy to serve Him as a single person. I have my Groom. I have my faith once for all delivered to this saint. I have a wonderful life. I am so relieved not to have those desperate feelings of loneliness or angst at a lack of a mate.
But yearning for even the good things of God, like marriage and children can turn into an idol. Watch out for the good desire hardening into something mixed with jealousy or envy or coveting or bitterness or resentment.
It is OK to gently and lightly yearn for a husband, most women are destined for that state. But meanwhile, look for ways to embrace the season you are in. There are many seasons of life- as a child, an unmarried single, a married woman, a mother of a young one, a mother of an empty nest, widow…many different seasons. The grass is always greener on the other side. Comparing yourself to others is just a path to envy, disappointment, jealously resentment and all the rest of the sins. You trust your soul to the Lord, right? Trust the Lord with your heart desires too. Rest in Him.
