Good Question — Grateful, yet Grieving

Since the 1930s, scientists have studied stress and its effects on people. In 1967, two psychiatrists from the University of Washington, Thomas Holmes and Richard Rahe, developed a tool called the Holmes and Rahe Stress Scale, which measures 43 life events indicating a stress level related to health issues. The number one life event that contains the highest score is the death of a spouse. It comes as no surprise to those of us who know what it’s like to sit in the front row of our husband’s memorial service.

Loss of a spouse is the most life-changing experience we will have and affects every aspect of our lives. With our brains activated by this trauma, our bodies are altered as well. With so many emotions to process and a myriad of things to manage in the first weeks and months, we wonder if we will stay here forever.

Will I make it? Is there life after this? Will life ever be good again?

Good questions form in our minds, and hope is on hold while we mourn and feel our pain.

In my first year after my husband suddenly died, I found myself asking these questions amidst the debris. It was like walking through dense fog. I couldn’t see anything except what was right in front of me.  It was unfamiliar, strange, and daunting. Over time, as the fog began to lift, I saw others on the path in front of me and beside me.

In the midst of my most painful days, my relationship with God deepened. I poured over the Psalms, lamenting and crying, finding hope that God’s promises were true, and God’s comfort was a reality.

It’s been eight years since my husband died. Where I started is not where I stayed. The questions I asked, I can answer now: 

Yes, there is life after loss. Yes, life can be good again. Our lives are different. We are different. Where we are is not where we stay.