For Our Girls – Friends are Even More Confusing

I am a girl.

I was a very late developing adolescent girl. Junior and high school were dark dark years for me, until I met Jesus at age 15. Finding out I was loved by Jesus changed my very identity.

Through God’s calling I became a woman pastor, early in the 1980s. I was a youth pastor for 39 years before I began pastoring my church, Larger Story Church, which has teens in mind in every decision we make. (Of course.)

Working with teens since 1981 meant I have decided to relive my adolescent years again and again in the girls I love. I get to feel their awkwardness and uncertainness again and again, which reminds me of those terrible years I lived.

I love teen girls. Currently my three granddaughters are all teens. I wish they would never age out of adolescence! They feel differently about that and thankfully we have the relationship that they tell me that. I enjoy them so much. I want the best for all of our teen girls.

The world is cruel to teen girls. This is why I write this series. I have some things to say.

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Friendship is a major part of adolescent development because it is where identity, belonging, and emotional skills are practiced in real time—often more powerfully than in any classroom or family conversation or church setting.

You read that and you remember your own friendship dramas. There were so many emotions, some spewed in public and most never said out loud. You remember the awkwardness of doubting if you really fit in. You remember when your best friend “changed” and the one who held all your secrets is someone you don’t even recognize anymore. You remember the loss, the hurt. Maybe even a betrayal.

You don’t want your own teen girl to have to live through those emotions too. Yet you do.

During adolescence, teens are asking some of the most important questions of their lives: Who am I? Do I matter? Where do I belong? Friendship becomes the primary space where those questions get tested. Friends reflect back who a teen is becoming. They offer feedback—sometimes clumsy, sometimes beautiful—about what is acceptable, lovable, and valued. This is not shallow stuff, it is formative.

Developmentally adolescents are moving from dependence on you, parents, toward autonomy. Friends provide a bridge. Some friendships last into adulthood. Most don’t survive senior year. The formation of identity that changes many times through adolescence often doesn’t provide a solid foundation for a friendship into adulthood. But friendships from high school haunt you all of your life. (Why do I now have a mean girl from high school who never talked to me now leaving me messages on Facebook?)

Some friendships, out of bad loyalty, lead to negative consequences. You learn the hard way from these friendships. You remember these friendships and tell these stories over your lifetime.

At its core, friendship gives teens a lived experience of belonging outside the family system. A teen learns, “I am chosen.” “I am wanted.” “I am not alone.” That sense of belonging doesn’t just shape teenage years. It becomes the emotional template teens carry into adulthood. It has for me.

Back in the summer of 1978 when the movie, Grease, was “the” movie of the summer, I never got to see it. I had zero friends to go to the movies with. No one called and asked me to join them. How I waited for that phone call. This shaped me. I still remember how this felt. I’ve now watched Grease–once–because it still makes me too sad. I still feel like I missed out on something special.

Teen girl friend drama still exists but the definition of friends is so different. Is it friends from school? Is it friends from church? What about those names that show up in your group chat? Or the followers who double-tap your photos? Or the person you talk to every night on Snapchat but has never actually been in the same room with you? Are you friends or is it a crush, as in a same-sex crush? Same-sex crushes add another layer of confusion of who is a friend.

In the making of friends, the questions still are:  Who do I trust? Who should I be loyal to? Am I at risk of betrayal? Am I possibly gay because I have so many emotions toward this person?

For the love of girls, parents, I ask you to be a non-anxious presence to your daughters. As Sissy Goff of Daystar Counseling Ministries says often, “Your best job as a parent is to be the calmest one in the room.”

You have your own stories and scars of high school friend dramas. This is not the time to share those stories. You get to daily be that consistent voice during a time when it seems your daughter is more loyal to her friends than she is to you. Your stability is a gift.

Help your daughter name what she’s experiencing. So many of these emotions are being felt for the first time. Many friend issues feel overwhelming because they’re unnamed. Help her find language such as:  Is this jealousy or grief? Is this loyalty causing a soul conflict? Is this friendship drifting—or becoming unhealthy? Is this guilt or sadness?

Teach discernment. Teach about that holy tension of figuring out what God is leading her to. Instead of you labeling friends as “good” or “bad,” help her ask better questions such as:  Do you feel more like yourself or less around this person? Do you feel pressured, compared, or at ease? Is this mutual, or are you doing most of the emotional work?

Wouldn’t you have loved those conversations in your teen years with someone? Wouldn’t some conversations like that have prevented you from making some of your bad choices?

When teaching about discernment (this is not a one-time lesson), ask to see one of the group chats of these digital friends. What you can read between the lines—with your learned wisdom—will give you a lot to teach. Again, be the calmest in the room when you read these digital conversations.

Pray with your daughter about these friendship blessings and hurts. Not just pray for her but pray with her. Let her see that she can trust God about such “unimportant” things as her emotions and that lonely time she feels in the lunchroom.

You now know that friendship transitions are developmentally normal. Teen girls often experience them as personal failure. Remind her that outgrowing friendships does not mean she is unlovable or disloyal. Grief is allowed—even when no one did anything “wrong.” You might want to share one of your stories in this conversation.

Separate worth from popularity. Remind her—often and explicitly—that being left out, unfollowed, or misunderstood is painful, but it is not a verdict on her value. Reinforce that her worth is not crowd-sourced. Say these things to her. Tell her why she is beautiful.

Hopefully you now have healthy relationships. Teen girls learn more from how parents live than what they say. Let your daughter see you apologize to your friends, walk through conflict together, be able to say “no” and keep the friendship. This quietly teaches her what to expect and what not to settle for.

What your daughter settles for likely keeps you up at night. Pray for wisdom and discernment then too. Then decide that things will be different for your daughter because you are going to be the calmest one in the room during these many conversations.