9 Signs Your Husband Is Harbouring Resentment Against You - Olubunmi Mabel

It is impossible to be married to someone without ever pissing them off.

It’s normal for couples to be angry at each other in the most successful relationships.

How they handle the situation distinguishes them from less successful relationships.

Resentment is very much different from being angry in many ways.

In fact, the best way to describe resentment is to describe it as “anger that has festered and fermented for a long time.”

This reminds me of when I was a kid and learned that fermentation was the process of making ethanol from sugar.

Since I was brought up in a very strict household, drinking alcohol was taboo.

So, I went ahead to create my own brand of alcohol.

Mom used to make Zobo– a special drink made from red sorrel leaves.

I crafted a way to turn zobo into wine, and it was really simple.

All I needed to do was to keep my Zobo drink in a warm space for a few days, and boom!

I had my alcohol.

My point is anger is just like that Zobo drink.

When harbored for an extended period, it transforms into something more potent and dangerous for your marriage.

It is best to address issues that can cause anger instantly rather than letting them fester into resentment.

Resentment shouldn’t find a place in marriage, ideally.

Sadly, in many marriages, it exists like a silent storm, brewing beneath the surface and slowly destroying the foundation of your relationship.

It can be addressed if the signs are recognized quickly.

This is why we will explore the signs your husband harbors resentment against you.

Let’s get started…

1. He is emotionally distant

Well, the very first outward manifestation of resentment in your husband has to be the steadily increasing rift you sense between the two of you.

In the past, you used to be so close and intimate that you could communicate without words.

Now, he hardly even looks in your direction.

He doesn’t show any interest in having deep conversations with you or any conversation at all.

He wants to do his thing while keeping your interactions at a bare minimum.

You must be sensitive to this sign because it starts subtly before it becomes full-blown.

If you recognize this sign in time, you can nip this issue in the bud before it becomes even more apparent.

At its more obvious stages, this sign involves total disinterest in your life and what you do with it.

He starts spending a lot more time alone than in your company.

He may even start staying in a separate room to reduce the time spent in your presence.

At its most obvious stage, you and your husband may behave like strangers around each other.

And the truth is you are strangers because you no longer know much about each other’s lives.

If you still share a bedroom at this point, you are no different from roommates who don’t like each other.

At the University, I stayed in the hostel for some time.

My roommates always loved me, but there was always this one person nobody liked.

In my second year, though, I met the most annoying of them.

Everyone on our floor disliked him.

It was that bad.

At one point, he became persona non grata.

No one liked to talk to him.

We didn’t talk to him because we resented most of his behaviors.

So, if your husband constantly exudes the “I don’t want to talk to you” vibe, it is a sign that he is harboring resentment toward you.

2. He criticizes you all the time

When you resent someone, nothing they do looks good to you.

Even when they are at their best, you still have something bad to say about them.

That’s how crazy resentment is.

It blinds you to everything good and positive about the other person.

This explains why your husband seems never to appreciate anything you do.

It’s not like you do things to be appreciated, but there are some things you do that you already appreciate yourself in your mind.

I have been in this situation before…

The anticipation of appreciation is usually high, and when it comes, the satisfaction is out of this world.

If your husband never appreciates you even when you do these things, it could be a sign that he is harbouring resentment against you.

The saddest part is that he criticizes you over really minor things.

The things your mind finds important when you resent someone…

He could start criticizing you just because you put a cup out of its place or pressed the toothpaste tube from the middle…

Or just for breathing too loudly around you.

It could be for anything, but when you notice that your husband is beginning to get too critical of you, it is a sign that something is wrong.

Now, you must note that being criticized by your partner is not wrong.

Criticism is good when it is constructive and points out the room for improvement.

However, if your husband’s criticisms are not remotely constructive and feel more like a man desperately looking for ways to express his ire at you, it is a sign that your husband is harboring resentment against you.

3. He is passive-aggressive

This is one thing I do myself.

I can be very passive-aggressive when I am angry at someone, especially if I expect them to know why I am angry.

Sooner or later, though, I get over it.

However, if your husband seems passive-aggressive all the time, it is a sign that something is wrong.

If you are struggling to understand passive aggressiveness, picture someone treating you coldly and making sarcastic remarks at you.

The cold treatment and sarcastic remarks can only mean one thing: resentment.

This is why I am surprised when my friends ask me if I am angry when I treat them coldly.

Anyway, passive aggressiveness is your husband’s way of expressing his feelings without actually confronting the issues.

It can be remarkably childish sometimes because it usually doesn’t help, especially when dealing with less sensitive people.

If your husband seems cold or snarky all the time, it is a sign that he is harboring resentment against you.

4. He withdraws from physical intimacy

Resentment is like an infection that can spread to every aspect of your life if it is allowed.

If you are looking for signs that your husband is harboring resentment toward you, examine your bedroom life.

If things are still steamy there, then you should breathe easily because there is nothing to worry about.

However, if it seems like physical intimacy with you has become a taboo for your husband, it is a sign that something is wrong.

If your husband seems to recoil every single time you try to touch him, it is a sign that he may be harboring resentment against you.

When I am feeling resentful towards someone, I really don’t like them touching me.

It just makes me feel so angry.

So, if your husband never initiates things in the bedroom, reacts angrily when you try to initiate, or even avoids sharing a bedroom with you totally, he may be harboring resentment against you.

Also, this doesn’t just have to be about sex alone because some men still get intimate with their wives even when they are harboring resentment against them.

The only difference is that it is actually mechanical and maybe even brutal in nature.

You probably don’t derive any pleasure from it because he doesn’t want you to derive pleasure.

He only wants to satisfy himself.

If you notice a decline in physical affection, such as hugs, kisses, or sexual intimacy, it may just be a sign that your husband is harbouring resentment toward you.

5. He always keeps scores of past mistakes

No one is perfect.

You can’t be married to someone for a long time without doing things that are not right.

In healthy relationships, couples learn how to forgive each other and forget it as well.

Now, the fact that a man claims to have forgiven you doesn’t mean he has forgiven you.

The fact that he stays in the marriage with you is not a sign of forgiveness.

The actual sign of forgiveness is that he doesn’t bring up past mistakes.

He leaves them in the past.

If your husband is the kind that keeps scores of everything you have done to offend him, it is a sign that he hasn’t truly forgiven you for those offenses.

Your husband has a long memory of wrongs.

He never forgets anything you have done to wrong him.

He keeps a mental tally of your wrongdoings.

Some husbands are so good at remembering their wives’ wrongdoings that you may sometimes wonder if they have a large notebook for recording them.

This is an obvious sign that he is holding grudges against you.

6. He doesn’t support you

When a man resents you, you can actually forget about him asking him for his support in anything.

Instead, you should focus your energy on praying that he does nothing to sabotage your goals and dreams.

If your husband used to support you in the past but has stopped doing so for some time now, it may be a sign of resentment.

Whether it’s emotional support, help with household chores, or encouragement in your personal endeavors, a lack of support can be a sign that he’s feeling resentful.

You need to be mindful of this.

The moment you notice that your husband has stopped supporting you, there is a problem.

Don’t listen to your ego when it tells you that you don’t need him anyway.

Do all in your power to settle whatever issues you may be having before things deteriorate even further.

7. He downplays your achievements

When your husband intentionally downplays your achievements, this could mean several things.

It could mean that he is insecure and your achievements are making him feel inferior in the marriage.

It could also mean that he wants to remain in control and sees your achievements as a threat to his “reign.”

However, if it comes in combination with the signs listed above, it could just mean he is harboring resentment against you.

If your husband seems jealous of your achievements or downplays your successes, it could be a sign of resentment.

This jealousy might stem from feeling overshadowed or undervalued in the relationship.

While some men are naturally insecure, sometimes you could have done something to make your husband angry.

A man provides the capital for his wife to set up a business.

Of course, it wasn’t a loan.

When the business started booming, his wife spent less time at home.

She left the house earlier than her husband and came in after the children slept.

This later caused a great fight between them, and the man referred to her business as “petty trading.”

Truthfully, nothing was petty about her business, even from the start.

However, his resentment for her behavior made him downplay her business.

Sometimes, when our partners are resentful of us, it is a sign that we need to examine our actions critically.

We may just have been doing the wrong thing and ignoring their feelings in the process.

8. He quarrels with you all the time

Arguments and conflicts are par for the course in relationships.

Even the happiest couples have arguments.

However, an increase in the frequency and intensity of arguments can be a clear indicator of underlying resentment.

Your home can’t take on the appearance of a warzone without something causing it.

It could just be a result of a buildup of resentment.

When I was a kid, I had anger issues.

I didn’t know how to express my anger verbally or constructively.

So, most of the time, when people annoy me, I try not to say anything.

Instead, I try to bottle it up.

The problem with bottling my anger is that it usually builds up inside me until just a very small offense makes me explode.

So, I usually ended up overreacting.

It is the same thing with resentment.

If your husband has been harboring resentment against you over a long period, it will build up until it spills over into a series of frequent and violent arguments over things that don’t really matter.

If you think your husband overreacts to situations in marriage, it could be a sign that he is harboring resentment against you.

9. He fantasizes about life without you

Does your husband frequently fantasize about life without you?

Does he comment about how things would be different if he were single?

If the answer to these questions is “yes,” then it is a sign that your husband is harboring resentment toward you.

He is dissatisfied with the relationship and may even consider his options.

If he tells you that he feels his life was better without you, he could really believe it.

Most of the time, men who say this do so when quarreling with you.

So, you may want to chalk it up to anger.

It is not just anger.

“Out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks.”

No one says things that they haven’t already thought of.

He is probably serious about it.

However, you don’t need to get all panicky about it.

If you want to keep your marriage, this issue can be addressed simply.

Communicate your thoughts with your husband.

Let him know your observations and ask him if you have offended him in any way.

Listen to his response and ensure that his grudges against you are put to rest.

If he is resentful that you don’t appreciate him, let him know how much you appreciate him.

If he is resentful because you offended him and never apologized, do so.

From then on, address conflicts as they arise rather than letting them fester and find constructive ways to resolve disagreements and compromise.

You can also consider couples therapy to work through deeper issues and improve communication.

It is also important to work on improving intimacy.

Spend quality time together to reconnect and reignite that spark in your relationship.

Resentment can sink your marriage.

However, you shouldn’t let that happen.

You can work things out with your husband.

I am rooting for you!