7 Habits That Make You a Difficult Wife - Olubunmi Mabel
Marriage is beautiful…
It is a wonderful experience, except when you are with a difficult partner.
Then, marriage is not so much a pleasure as much as it is an ordeal.
Socrates knew this when he said, “By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher“.
Such a wise man…
Many men are presently undergoing an ordeal in their marriages because they have difficult wives.
We sometimes see and read their stories on social media pages…
The “please, hide my identity” kind of post…
The problem is when we read these stories, we don’t take time out for self-reflection.
I came across a tweet where the person said, “When people pray for you not to end up with a difficult partner, we all say amen, but who are now those difficult partners that should be avoided?”
Today, I need you to be ready to self-reflect and honestly examine yourself.
If any of the habits we will explore today are evident in your life, you would need to improve on that aspect of your life.
Because while it may not be intentional, these habits can make you a difficult wife.
While I would be focused on females, this is equally important for males.
So, please pay attention regardless of your gender.
1. You neglect communication
Communication has always been the live wire of relationships.
It is what keeps your relationship working.
You can be so in love with your husband, but your relationship may suffer if you have terrible communication habits.
I have a friend who has really terrible communication habits.
She could decide to uninstall all social media apps on her phone just on a whim.
She would go incommunicado for months sometimes and even phone calls to her would be a waste of time because she switches her phone off constantly.
She once complained to me about her singleness, and I laughed.
She asked why I was laughing, and I told her she doesn’t behave like someone who wants a relationship.
She shut herself out of the whole world…
So, how does she expect to get into a relationship?
You may already be in a relationship, but if you tend to shut down conversations or avoid serious conversations, keeping your relationship may be an uphill task.
Successful relationships are not successful because the couples do anything special.
One of the simple habits they incorporate into their relationships is communicating effectively.
Happy couples talk about everything, especially the difficult topics.
Discussing difficult topics may not always be easy and may cause conflicts occasionally, but happy couples know that ignoring them could have terrible consequences on their relationship.
So, they talk things out all the time.
Dear woman, if you don’t communicate well and avoid difficult topics because you want to keep the peace in your marriage, this habit makes you a difficult wife.
Your reason for avoiding discussing tough topics may be good, but when you don’t deal with thorny issues on time, they may have worse consequences in the future.
Apart from this, it could be highly frustrating to your husband when you shut down conversations and avoid some conversations just because you don’t want to talk about them.
If you do this in your relationship, you must have a resentful husband.
He may not be showing the resentment yet, but trust me, it is there.
However, you don’t have to continue this way.
Learn to listen actively.
This is an important skill…
Listen to understand and share your opinions constructively, even when discussing difficult topics.
This is usually what makes the difference between happy marriages and unhappy ones.
2. You are a master of silent treatment
Silence can indeed be golden, but not when it is weaponized in your relationship.
Some people have mastered the art of weaponizing silence.
I am one of them.
Last year, I decided to start working on my tendency to resort to silence when I feel offended.
A friend offended me, and I just clammed up and treated her coldly.
She didn’t apologize because she didn’t understand what was happening.
She felt I had a mood swing, so she left me to deal with it when I wasn’t responding to her anymore.
Later, when I was calmer, I mentioned that I had been really angry at her the other time, and she was shocked.
She genuinely didn’t know I was angry at her.
So, all my silent treatment was just wasted.
Then, I realized that even when offended, communication is still key.
Telling her I was annoyed at her would have been more effective than silent treatment.
If your go-to response when you are upset is silent treatment, you may just be creating a tense atmosphere in your relationship.
Bottling up your feelings without communicating them can lead to many unresolved issues in the relationship.
If you have this habit, it can make you seem like a difficult wife because one thing I have learned about silent treatment and bottling up emotions is that you can’t keep it up forever.
One day, you will react with all that pent-up energy to a trivial matter and end up being the villain in the relationship.
Communication is key…
So, stop bottling those emotions up and start communicating!
3. You are over-critical of your husband
I know the excuse most people give for this sort of behavior.
“Oh, I am just a perfectionist. I don’t like it when things are not done the exact way I want it.”
Being a perfectionist is not something to be proud of.
I see people being proud of their perfectionistic tendencies, and I am shocked.
No one can be perfect…
So, expecting perfection from them or yourself is just going to put everyone under undue pressure.
I have learned that pressure usually brings out the worst in us (this is coming from someone who added “ability to work under pressure” to his resume).
This doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t have high standards.
But, my dear, leave perfection for God!
Because you have chosen to be a perfectionist in your marriage, it feels like your husband is married to his supervisor, not his wife.
It feels like everything he does is under scrutiny, and any little error is usually a trigger for you to start criticizing him.
The saddest part is that you don’t appreciate him when he does good things because you expect perfection from him, and no one can be perfect.
Your perfectionistic tendencies and criticisms are putting undue pressure on your husband.
This habit makes you a difficult wife, and your husband may just be enduring you instead of enjoying you.
He can’t be himself anywhere around you because you will find something to criticize.
If this describes you, you need to stop.
Stop nitpicking and focusing on imperfections.
Stop complaining and start appreciating the good things he does.
Intentionally choosing to ignore the flaws and focus on the good things will make things better around the house.
4. You are overly jealous
A little bit of jealousy can be good for your relationship.
It shows that you still find your husband intensely attractive.
However, we all know irrational jealousy can be a big problem in relationships because it makes you do irrational things…
Like turning yourself into a detective and always going through his phone.
Or accusing him of being too friendly with his female friends all the time.
Now, I am not saying that it is wrong to operate your husband’s phone.
But when you take his phone with the intent of searching for evidence of infidelity, it gives off a lot of distrust.
You don’t trust your husband, and this is not a good atmosphere for any relationship.
Lack of trust suffocates love.
So, if you are always snooping around or questioning your husband’s every move, your insecurity and mistrust make you a difficult wife.
You need to start learning to trust your husband, especially if he hasn’t ever given you any reason to doubt his loyalty.
In fact, in this kind of situation, it is necessary for you to look inward.
You may just be projecting your insecurities on your husband, and you need to work on that.
Work on your insecurities before they ruin your relationship.
5. You always want to have your way
One time, a lady said these words that I will never forget…
“It’s not that I am a control freak. I just want things always to be done my way.”
Please, tell me how that is not the definition of a control freak.
You can’t always want things done your way and enjoy your relationship.
Those two things are sometimes mutually exclusive.
This is because a relationship is a partnership.
Two people have to decide how to do things in the relationship, and more often than not, your way may not be the best way for things to be done.
So, insisting on having your way in your relationship only results in creating conflicts over matters that could have been resolved if only you were open to compromise.
If you attempt to make all the decisions in the marriage or micromanage every aspect of your life, you will trample on your partner’s sense of autonomy.
This is one of the habits that makes you a difficult wife.
You can’t always have things your way…
Take that off your mind now.
You are in a partnership, and decisions should be made with your partner.
And you shouldn’t always insist on having your way.
Consider your husband’s point of view and see if it is a more viable option than yours.
Also, you should consider compromise more often.
You can always discuss with your husband if you disagree with his viewpoint and reach a compromise.
This is the best way to do things for a peaceful and happy marriage.
6. You keep grudges
If you don’t know how to forgive, you have no business being in a relationship/marriage.
In relationships, our partners can never be perfect.
Because of their imperfections, there will be times that they will hurt us unintentionally or upset us.
It is in times like these that forgiveness is important in a relationship.
You have to learn to forgive your partner, especially when you know they are truly repentant.
Holding on to grudges in relationships creates a toxic environment.
You know I would be wrong if I said that you wouldn’t feel resentful when your partner upsets you.
You would.
However, forgiveness is simply a decision to move past the hurt and move on with the hope that your partner has genuinely repented.
It is also the decision never to bring up what has happened in the past.
It is this part that most people don’t realize.
You can’t say you genuinely forgive your partner if you still hold on to what they did to you.
You have a long memory of all your husband’s wrongdoings, and even though you claim to have forgiven him, you tend to remind him of them when it suits you.
If your husband’s wrongs are filed away in some secret archive in your brain to be revisited occasionally, it is a sign that you haven’t truly forgiven him.
This habit makes you a difficult wife…
A friend once told me about how she acts up every time she remembers how her boyfriend hurt her in the past.
She claims to have forgiven him, but she still hangs that wrongdoing over his head like the sword of Damocles.
It affected their relationship because sometimes she misbehaved when she remembered what happened.
I gave her some simple advice and will share it with you today…
“Instead of harboring resentment, forgive and let go of past grievances. Holding onto negativity only weighs you down and hinders the growth of your relationship. Think of the positive things he has done in the relationship, and you will feel better”.
7. You are overdramatic
“We listen, we don’t judge” is a recent trend on social media, and many people participated in it.
I read a lot of the confessions and judged many of them.
In this generation, we are so particular about being nonjudgmental, and because of that, I have seen many people claiming to be things they shouldn’t be.
One day, a lady was talking about her antics in her relationship, and she justified them by saying, “I am a drama queen, I know!”
Several other women under the post mentioned their antics too, and justified their behavior by saying they were drama queens.
My dear woman, being overdramatic doesn’t make you cute.
It stresses your husband.
I know emotions are a part of life, but if your emotions are so unpredictable and all over the place, they can be challenging for your husband to keep up with.
I had a friend who could swing from happy to sad and angry in the blink of an eye.
She would behave this way without you even doing anything.
I couldn’t keep up with the whole thing at some point, especially since she didn’t think she was doing anything wrong.
I was always at fault.
I had to run for my life!
I value my mental health, and I wouldn’t allow someone to ruin it for me.
Dear woman, if you know you are a drama queen, you need to work on it.
Not your identity.
It is one of those habits that can make you a difficult wife.
Consistency and emotional stability are important for a successful relationship.
If you find your emotions swinging wildly, consider finding healthy outlets to manage and express them.
The truth is that awareness of these habits is the first step towards creating better habits and enjoying a successful marriage.
These habits don’t define you.
They are just things that you have picked up over time.
They can be dropped.
By applying the tips above, you will replace those habits with more constructive ones.
No one is asking you to stop being your unique self.
We all have our quirks, but we shouldn’t justify our bad habits.
Rather, we should work on them.
By making a conscious effort to communicate openly and trust fully in our relationships, we can all enjoy successful relationships.
