5 Reasons Some Marriages Thrive Without Physical Intimacy - Olubunmi Mabel
“We’ve not been physically intimate in 5 months, and we’re doing okay.”
I listened in shock as these words came out of the mouth of the woman I sat with.
She was a significantly older woman I had met at a women’s conference, and we just got connected and began talking about everything, including marriage and sex.
I was in my late 20s at the time, and she looked like she was in her late 40s.
At that time, I was newly married and didn’t mind any opportunity to talk about marriage, especially with people who had more experience than me.
But the words I was hearing from this woman weren’t quite music to my ears because my sex life with my husband was active and blooming, and we planned for it to remain that way and even get better.
So, hearing someone married say that she’s not had sex in 5 months and was doing great, I didn’t know what to feel.
Happy for her?
Sad for her?
Or scared for my own little growing marriage.
But I did what I considered the best thing at that point: I asked her to throw more light on the situation if she didn’t mind.
From her response and my encounter with many other people in similar situations since that time, I’ll be helping you understand in this article why some marriages do survive and even do well without physical intimacy as we know it.
1. They have everything else
Before I got married, whenever I heard people say “Sex is not all there is to marriage”, I would roll my eyes with an “Oh please” expression on my face.
This was because I had never had sex before, and I was waiting till marriage to have it.
Needless to say, I was looking forward to it so much, so I didn’t like hearing people trivialize it because, in my head then, I used to think that once I got married, the tigress in me would be unleashed.
I planned to have a good and buzzing sex life in marriage, and did I get that?
Yes, I did.
But I now understand what people mean when they say that there is more to marriage than sex.
Marriage involves so much, and while sex is amazing, it’s just one of the many things a good marriage requires.
Many couples are amazing sex partners but are getting it wrong in other areas of their marriage.
Some couples fight all the time but end up fixing the issues with makeup sex, neglecting their real problems, like Angela and Marcus in Tyler Perry’s “Why Did I Get Married” movie.
When the sex is good, and many other fundamental things are not, the marriage can still be bad.
Likewise, it is possible for a couple not to have it together in the physical intimacy area but to be great partners in every other way.
They respect each other, look out for each other, plan together, are buddies, are loyal to each other, and are at peace.
Trust me, a couple like this will have a thriving marriage even with a temporary absence of physical intimacy.
2. Life stages
Life is in seasons and stages; each phase comes with challenges.
Sometimes, the season of life that a couple is in makes physical intimacy impractical.
For instance, when a couple is young, they’re excited and eager to touch each other in every possible way.
They can’t get their hands off each other and can’t get enough of the kissing, holding hands, making love, and so on.
But with age, many things change.
A couple in their 80s and 90s are unlikely to have that eagerness and yearning.
It doesn’t mean that their marriage is bad.
They may still share one of the strongest bonds but physical intimacy is not their focus, it’s just not the phase that they’re at in that moment.
The relationship is changing with age and other life transitions.
This is not just restricted to aged couples.
Sometimes, even younger couples experience seasons in life where sex takes the back seat.
They’re focused on other things and doing amazing things as a couple.
But not just in that area.
It might even be stress, like when kids are in the mix; things like childcare and daily life challenges can make physical intimacy hard sometimes.
My friend told me how she and her husband had to schedule dates for them to bond, be with each other alone, and have sex!
Imagine having to create a timetable for sex.
But that was their situation because they had five kids and noticed that months had passed, and all they were doing revolved around their children.
Whenever they wanted to spend time together, they ended up falling asleep.
Their marriage was great and thriving without any physical intimacy necessarily, but they wanted it to be better.
3. Personal preference
The truth about life is that everyone is different.
As much as many people love sex, some people don’t.
I mean, physical intimacy is amazing; I love connecting with my husband physically; we bond by holding hands, kissing, cuddling, making love, and all that good stuff.
But I also know that some people don’t care about such.
It’s just not their cup of tea.
Perhaps they’re asexual, traumatized, have low libido, or some other reasons.
But physical intimacy is not their preference.
But why then did they get married?
Well, I don’t have the answer to that, but it is what it is.
If two people who are like this are in a marriage, their marriage can flourish without physical bonding.
4. Medical conditions and health-related reasons
Sometimes, medical issues can significantly impact a person’s sexual desire or ability to engage in physical intimacy.
Life is full of ups and downs, and couples don’t go into marriage desiring ailments that affect their lovemaking and intimacy.
But sometimes these things happen, and what can a person do but adjust?
When one or both partners fall ill or acquire a disability that affects their sexual life, they may be forced to focus on other areas of their marriage.
This was the case with the woman I spoke about early in this article.
She had a very low libido; she hardly ever desired sex, and then her husband came down with diabetes that almost completely erased his libido too.
So they both were still in love and having a great marriage, but their health conditions made physical intimacy in terms of sex a once-in-a-while activity.
5. Distance
Many long-distance marriages are thriving and doing well and don’t have the luxury of being physically intimate.
I’m not a fan of long-distance marriage, but I understand that for several reasons, couples sometimes have to be apart for short periods before they can be together again.
I experienced it myself; my husband and I were apart for 6 months because we worked and studied in different countries before we got back together again.
Did we miss each other?
Of course.
Very great.
We communicated all through and ensured we were in each other’s lives as much as possible during that period of distance.
I craved being in his arms many times, and he told me how he missed my body and wanted me around.
But we managed through it until we could be together again, and it was bliss!
With zero physical intimacy for that period, our marriage still soared.
However ;
I must emphasize that a marriage void of physical intimacy is not an ideal situation, and not many partners would be comfortable living that way.
After all, one of the major reasons people get married is for the sake of intimacy, especially physical intimacy.
What’s the point then if that is taken away?
And this is why I believe that situations like this are rare and not the usual.
I also believe that they should not be permanent.
Unless, of course, both parties are satisfied with that arrangement.
But if that’s not the case and one partner is unhappy about the absence of physical intimacy in the marriage, they’re well within their rights.
One person should not impose a lack of physical intimacy or celibacy on the other for reasons best known to them.
Partners must be willing to work with each other to improve the situation because it is not an ideal situation.
If one person is okay with the lack of intimacy and the other is not, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but that is a strong sign that such a marriage might not work out.
Unless they’re both willing to seek ways forward.
Speaking with professionals like doctors if it’s a medical situation, sex and intimacy therapists, and marriage counselors can be helpful in situations like this.
