14 Things Married Women Wish They’d Known Before Marriage - Olubunmi Mabel
“Why didn’t anyone warn me about this?”
If you’ve ever heard this from a married woman, chances are she just discovered one of the hidden truths about marriage.
It’s not that people didn’t try to warn her; it’s just that some lessons can’t be fully understood until you’re wearing the ring and figuring it out firsthand.
Like how sharing everything sometimes means sacrificing the last slice of pizza or the last piece of meat in the egusi soup, compromise suddenly involves the AC temperature, whether to buy an inverter or a generator and sharing Netflix passwords.
My friend Yemi, for example, thought marriage was going to be like her favorite romantic movies: full of laughter, candlelit dinners, and deep conversations.
But on her first week of marriage, her husband proudly introduced her to his version of romance: football, snacks, and snoozing on the couch during movie night.
“Nobody told me ‘for better or worse’ included Premier League season,” she joked to me.
Marriage is beautiful, don’t get me wrong, but it’s also filled with moments you didn’t see coming.
You’ll discover that love sometimes looks like a cup of tea brought to you on a stressful day—or a heated debate over whose turn it is to fold the laundry.
These are the things you wish someone had whispered to you before you said, “I do.”
So, what other unexpected things do married women wish they’d known before taking the plunge?
Don’t worry, I’ll tell you.
Whether you’re newly married or just curious, this is going to be a fun, eye-opening journey because it was interesting even to me, who wrote it.
1. You will have varying opinions even on major stuff
You probably imagined that once you were married, you and your husband would always see eye to eye on everything—especially the big things like finances, kids, and house decor.
Surprise!
I’m not trying to scare you, but you will have varying opinions even on some major things, and that’s okay.
I always advise people not to marry someone they don’t have foundational agreements with on important stuff.
While dating or courting, you have to be sure you both agree on important things like your faith, core values, and lifestyle.
But this is just to reduce the number of disagreements and avoid setting a foundation for irreconcilable differences.
It doesn’t mean you’ll not argue.
Some arguments will still be birthed because you are two different individuals with different genders, personalities, orientations, and experiences.
What you need to understand is that it’s perfectly normal to have different views sometimes.
It could be on how to spend money, raise children, or even where the couch should be placed, as long as neither view is harmful or against the greater good and you’re both willing to make compromises.
Some couples could spend hours arguing about the color of their living room walls.
Perhaps while the wife dreamed of a cozy, neutral-toned space, the husband may want bold, vibrant reds.
Both of them should realize quickly that it is not about being right or wrong but learning to compromise.
And no, you can’t always get your way.
2. It’s an endless journey of wondering what to cook
No one prepared me for how many times a day I’d have to think about food.
And this is not because I’m in love with food or eating.
But because of our current family dynamic, I’m responsible for cooking, and the mental strength required to figure out what the family will eat every day, three times a day, is just crazy.
Before I found a solution to it, it was getting to me and getting out of hand.
I’d wake up thinking, “What should we have for breakfast today?” and go to bed at night thinking, “What will we have for lunch tomorrow?”
It was crazy.
I’m grateful one of my favorite online chefs on YouTube released a cookbook that contains a food timetable for weeks that any home could use.
That saved my ass.
3. Your in-laws are now part of the package
In Nigeria, where I come from, people say you don’t just marry your partner, you also marry their family.
While I don’t agree with that a hundred percent, I do agree that the family of your partner has a huge role to play because they largely influence things.
While you married your spouse, you also married into their family, which includes aunts, uncles, cousins, and sometimes, the neighbor who acts like a relative.
My mum tells me she learned this many years ago when she had just gotten married to my dad, and she had her first family gathering with his extended family.
She said she had thought it was going to be a quiet dinner; instead, it was a full-blown event, and she says she was introduced to every single relative he’s ever had.
Adjusting to the dynamics of a larger family takes time, honestly, especially if they’re dramatic, mean, or just different.
But it’s all part of the experience.
Enjoy it with an open heart and a sense of humor.
Don’t take it too seriously.
4. Laundry does not fold itself
No one tells you how often you’ll find yourself battling laundry piles.
I mean, you were probably already dealing with it as a single girl, but marriage adds to the pile of clothes.
If you’re thinking that your husband will be as meticulous as you when it comes to folding clothes, think again.
Funnily enough, some husbands will proudly “help” with the laundry, but that help may be them simply tossing everything into a pile.
Even some of the men who seemed to be neat freaks may end up being people who think folding means cramming things into drawers.”
For this one, I’d usually suggest team laundry.
Let the husband handle loading the clothes in the machine and other things while the wife folds.
And whenever the husband has to fold, he should be taught how but also appreciated for the effort.
Understanding that marriage isn’t about perfection, but the partnership will make laundry wars a little easier to handle.
5. You can’t change him
… and you shouldn’t even try.
The sooner you accept that your husband will never magically transform into your idea of “perfect,” the better.
I know lots of women who have tried to change their husbands’ habit of leaving dirty dishes around the house.
Some would even leave little notes that say, “Please wash your plate!”
But after a few weeks, he’s back to default.
They’ll quickly realize he wasn’t going to change, at least not because of the notes.
Interestingly, one hack that seems to have worked is when the woman stops fighting and chooses to focus on what she can control —her actions.
When she started calmly doing the dishes herself, the husband surprisingly started pitching in voluntarily.
Sometimes, changing your expectations (instead of the person) leads to better results.
6. It’s about romance but not all about it
If you think marriage is a non-stop romantic journey, please Sister, think again.
Some days, romance takes a back seat to daily chores, work, and life’s responsibilities.
When my husband and I first got married, I had high hopes for spontaneous candlelit dinners, passionate sex at different locations in our house multiple times a day, and surprise weekend getaways.
But fast-forward a few months, and our “romantic date nights” have turned into takeout on the couch while we catch up on Netflix shows.
We didn’t even get to have sex until a month after our wedding because we were traveling to different places after the wedding for some important stuff, and we were always tired.
When we eventually wanted to have it, my period came, and we had to wait another 3 days.
However, thankfully, I soon realized that romance doesn’t always need to be extravagant or the way it is in my head.
On some days, a simple wake-up or goodbye kiss in the morning or planning a surprise lunch can make all the difference.
Get rid of the pressure to always plan a Hollywood-worthy date.
It’s the little things that matter.
7. There will be quiet moments
I’m sure you’ve seen couples in movies talking for hours about everything under the sun.
But in real life?
Sometimes, silence speaks volumes.
Sometimes, you realize this after their honeymoon phase.
The days filled with constant chatter can quickly turn into moments of comfortable silence.
At first, you may panic, wondering if something is wrong, but soon, you’ll realize that silence doesn’t mean the love is gone.
It’s just a natural part of being comfortable with someone.
Marriage isn’t about filling every moment with conversation.
Sometimes, sitting together and eating a pack of suya without speaking is still a way to connect.
You’ll also realize that spending time apart from your spouse isn’t a bad thing; it’s often necessary.
Your husband may want to hang out alone or with friends sometimes, and so will you.
It’s okay.
The time apart allows both of you to recharge and come back together stronger.
8. You’ll learn to let go
In this marriage thing, you’ll learn a lot of things and the need to let go is one of them.
Old habits, unrealistic expectations, and sometimes, your pride.
My friend Ope told me she discovered this when she and her husband got into a silly argument over who left the lights on.
“I was so sure I didn’t leave them on,” she recalls. “But then I realized it didn’t matter.”
“And the funniest part is that when I got into bed that night, I somehow strangely recalled that I had left it on and had completely forgotten.” She shared.
Being able to say “I’m sorry” or simply letting go of trivial matters will make your relationship stronger.
It’s all part of growing together.
9. Difficult conversations have to be had
One thing I’ve learned about what we call difficult conversations is that it depends on how you approach it.
The topic may be a bit tough and not be one of your favourites to talk about, but you can approach it lightheartedly and from an optimistic point.
For instance, money or in-law matters.
Discussing finances or family doesn’t have to be stressful.
If you keep avoiding talking about money, how will you budget for groceries?
Who pays for what?
Who gets the credit card bill this month?
And if you don’t talk about in-laws, how do you manage expectations?
Having open, honest conversations about topics like these might feel uncomfortable at first, but they’re essential for a healthy marriage.
The sooner you’re both on the same page about things like finances, the smoother things will go.
10. Love is an action not just a feeling
Marriage isn’t just about the butterflies in your stomach.
It’s about actively showing love every day.
For some seasons in life, you both may be busy with work and other things.
In moments like this, love may not be obvious in things like flowers or surprise notes.
But that’s okay.
Sometimes, love is making coffee for the other person in the morning or taking on extra chores.
Love is expressed through small, consistent, thoughtful, kind, and heartfelt actions.
11. ‘Compromise’ is not just a word it’s a lifestyle
If you think “compromise” is just something you read about in marriage books, you have another think coming.
It’s something you’ll be practicing every single day.
Marriage is full of little compromises, like who drives, who picks the movie, who decides the weekend plans, and who gets the most comfortable couch.
Sometimes, you’ll need to give up the seat you’ve claimed for years for the sake of peace.
It’s these small sacrifices that build a stronger relationship, and honestly, sitting on the floor sometimes isn’t that bad.
12. Saying sorry doesn’t mean you’re weak
In marriage, being able to apologize is key.
I can’t stress this enough.
It doesn’t mean you’re admitting defeat; it means you care about the relationship more than being right.
You don’t have to love saying sorry; you just have to understand that it’s very necessary.
Once you make it a habit to genuinely and humbly apologize, you’ll realize how much it would help ease tensions.
Apologizing to each other doesn’t reduce your value; it shows emotional maturity and respect for each other.
13. Marriage takes work
It’s easy to assume that once you’re married, everything falls into place.
But marriage is a continuous journey of effort, patience, and love.
Some couples have to learn this lesson the hard way, sometimes after a couple of rocky months.
You may think you’ll always be happy, but when you hit a rough patch, you’ll realize that it takes work to make this thing called marriage work.
Don’t expect a perfect marriage, but expect to work at it together.
14. There will be days you don’t like each other
Yes, it’s true: There will be days when you’re annoyed with your partner.
But that doesn’t mean the love is gone, even when you don’t feel it.
There may be moments when it feels like you can’t stand your husband but you must know that it is just a phase.
It’s okay to be mad.
The key is remembering that love doesn’t vanish because of one bad day.
Or a couple of bad days.
Marriage is like a new chapter of a book, sometimes fun, other times confusing, but always full of surprises.
While no one can truly prepare you for everything, these lessons make the ride a little smoother and a lot more enjoyable.
So, if you know someone about to walk down the aisle, why not share the link to this article with her?
It just might be her “Marriage Survival Guide.”
I’m just kidding, but these are some of the things married women wish they’d known before they tied the knot.
